I love kanye west. Just listening to the words of his songs is so fucking great. I’m sure none of the kids are getting the message but its an awesome one.
So I had my first papsmear in two years today. It literally took fucking 10 minutes. We spent more time talking about birth control options then anything. It usually takes a little more time…but its been a while so what do I know.
I’m learning to experience emotions. I’ve spent so much time in my life just taking care of my responsibilities then dealing with what’s going on with me. Today I was feeling all kinds of wierd, and I was wondering to myself “what the fuck is going on.” then I realized that I was feeling upset and a tad bit pissed. Not like frustrated but a bit angry. Not really explosive angry but just like “What the fuck” without the exclamation point. This whole kevin situation just came to a head in my head, and though I’m completley laissez-fare about the whole thing and if things are meant to be, they will be…but its still kinda shitty to not call some one back no matter if they decided to give you space. Mags pointed this out to me after I’d decided that I wasn’t going to invest any energy in trying to empathize with hypothetical situatioins. I don’t like excuses, so I try not to make them for other people. I just let actions speak for themselves…and maybe that is naieve of me, and maybe I’m being immature…but really, I don’t have that kind of time to figure out what is going on. Either fucking tell me, or let me keep going. And if a guy can’t tell me, for what ever reason it is…then maybe he’s not the right guy for me. And that is not a bad thing. Jeannie once told me that its better for me to figure these things out young then to waste my time waiting for some one who doesn’t deserve me to realize that I’m awesome….and I am awesome. My friends are awesome, my job is sometimes awesome, even my education is at times awesome. Me and mols were talking tonight, and there really are times in our lives when no matter how badly we want to be with someone, we just can’t—its not our time. And when the time comes maybe it will work out for the better, but right now we just can’t. And I’m not going to stand in one place trying to figure out if that is the case. I gave myself and him permission a while ago to meditate on life and prioritize our needs and wants and see where that take us. My priorities are in growing and experiencing life. Waiting around for anyone—boys, students, LMU advisors, is not in my interest no matter how responsible I must be.
Wow…i like determining and expressing my philosophies for life. it gives me a much better idea of where I’ve been headed all along. I told Kevin– and sometimes I tell other people—that at times I feel like I have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old. I look at this manifesto and realize that in part that is true…but realize, that I was a damn mature 15 year old and consider myself a damn mature 24 year old. I get that from you guys. You know who you are…if not scroll a few entries down. There is a whole list.