Goodness….grad school is stressful but I feel like I’ve been actually learning something. Which is good I guess. I just have to remind myself: this is necessary if you ever want to move home. Anyway, so I’m having a crisis of mental perspective. My mind is racing and I’m faced with a few insecurities. But I cannot tell if these insecurities are a result of stress, new situations, or my medication. This is what me and Angie have deduced: its a result of stress (two intense full credit classes that expect a lot of work during summer school) and the stress of a new situation (dating K2). We can deduce this by comparing my current state of mind with a few “control experiment” events–Vegas and last week. Both being in Vegas (sans incidents with Angel) and the 72 hour weekend that rocked were both stress free and a lot of fun—also depression free and manic free. Now compare that to a “change in variables”: having started school this week and the progression of this dating thing that I’ve never done, and where there is always the potential for unexpected change equal STRESS, immaturity (see behavior during flags tryouts), and insecurity (just how good is my head game? Is it as good as it could be?) Also, I’m directly faced with the potential for changes in adulthood as people I know are planning the next stage of their lives after TFA. STRESS, INSECURITY, MANIA (re: dancing to Shakira in my living room). For further reference also see major depression and insecurity during the last weeks of school (i.e. the last three weeks of April) as I tried to balance everything from grading, to finals, to finals for grad school. Not a pretty picture. So I guess this is okay that I am having emotional and stressful responses to stress. Goodness. I’m still going to talk to my Doc about keeping my prescription dosage low.
Last night was a great date. There were moments when my heart smiled. This thing has definitely been progressing at a natural rate, which is good knowing my penchant to move things along quickly. Example: I’m in line to buy the food at the grocery store– I’d gone to the store because we were meeting at his place, and I’d gotten to the neighborhood before he did— and I look up and he’s walking through the door. He comes over, gives me a hug, and as I’m handing the woman my club card and preparing to buy the makings of dinner I look over and he’s swiping his debit card through buying all of the groceries. SWEET. He’d already bought and cooked dinner last week, and he helped me out last night. He taped CSI for me tonight. I called and asked if he would do it for me when I realized that I’d be in class until 9 and not home until 10 and would have missed it. There are totally reasons why I continue to blow him. That and I like the way he tastes.
The Scientific Method and Dating
Here is my attempt to apply the well known scientific method to my adventure with Kevin.
Problem: So here in its self is the second mental perspective: I don’t want to have sex with him yet. Like, there is no philosophical or emotional meaning behind why I’ve abstained (well I do have my period) but I just haven’t been moved to want to sleep with him yet. And you all know how I like sex. And I’m attracted to him and everything he does with his hands. I’m just not moved to want to have sex with him yet.
Hypothesis: There must be an underlying reason that has gone unacknowledged that has kept me from fulfilling my desire to fill my bed or what I thought was my desire to fill my bed.
Experiment and observations:
The Control Experiment- The last person I had sex with was Brian. Brian and I dated for two years, and really loved each other. Or at least felt love for one another. There was a connection there, physical and emotional, and with trust for the most part. It meant something—it meant that I understood where we stood every time we had sex. And when our relationship was rocky, we didn’t have sex. It was natural and it was good. And as natural and as good as it was, it took us time to get to that point where we could trust each other to be open with one another to what we needed and what was new (not just in positions, but physically and emotionally moving beyond just fucking to something more was a transition and a change for Brian who didn’t have a past history with making love at all) but we got there, and it was good. And it got me off. Even when I didn’t come, it got me off. I felt good about what was happening between us and so did he.
The Changed variable Experiment–When I had casual sex with Doug…there wasn’t a connection, there wasn’t a real attraction besides wanting to get each other off. He got off…I didn’t get off. Not even blowing him…and he was the first guy I ever blew—and that gets me off. (This is why I don’t have such strong feelings connected to giving a blow job to a boy that I’m interested in or that I’m messing around with. Don’t get me wrong—I don’t blow just anyone, or everyone. I can still count the number of people I’ve blown on one hand so there! and It will remain that way for awhile). Sex didn’t feel good for me, and it wasn’t just a one time shot so I’m sure its not just me. Even with toys and things…yeah, still didn’t do it for me with him. I didn’t expect it to mean anything to me, and we never fucked with the intention of it meaning something besides satisfaction. Yeah. Disa-fucking-pointing. He gave good effort, just nothing.
So both the Control Experiment (Brian) and the Changed Variable Experiment (Doug), I can conclude that for me to really enjoy sex and gain equal satisfaction from sex I need certain variables: A) understanding of my place or the status of the relationship; B) emotional and philosophical connection with my partner leads to sexual satisfaction; C) Trust. These are three things that I have not obtained in my developing dating adventure with Kevin. When these three things occur I will definitely let you know. Oh, and don’t worry. Like a good behavior specialist, there will be a future journal entry that defines in measurable and observable terms what these three factors look like. Alex knows what I mean. Yea, Marianne Mitchell.
So as much as I’d like to go to bed there is this really good movie on TNT that has Noah Wyle in it and Bob Newhart. It looks like Charlie and the Chocolate factory, but about a library. It looks really good. FUCK! I’m gonna stay up and watch it. This has been the longest day ever.