Fuck, last night I went to be thinking about how it would be to wake up one morning and realize that I would be with him forever. I like the idea of his pleasing brown eyes and his smile. I got to enjoy it today over dinner with friends and his cousin KJ…who is like my work bestfriend. Sam was there also. Bean and Sam coach football together. We flirt all the time. We are both relatively private people. He was impressed by my use of the word “privy” as in “The only reason you’re privy to information about my private life is because your KJ’s cousin.” We poked fun at each other becuase I jokingly complained about how I don’t know anything about his personal life, and he is able to make fun of my horrible coffee dat by pretending to be on a lap top while we were at the table talking. Ass. There were plenty of moments of talking around the table…laughing…having drinks. He volunteered to pay the entire bill, which no one would let him..not even me. We were all having an incredibly raunchy discussion about sex and he and Sam toasted to one of Sam’s conquests..he turned to me and said “I’m an asshole.” At one point in the night I said to him “So you’re an asshole who reads poetry…you’re soo my type.” Then there was a time in the night when we were talking about where we are from. He’s from TJ, and became a citizen when he was 14. Then he made the comment about how he speaks the Queen’s English better then he does speak Spanish literally. He started a short bit of poetry in a british accent that led me to ask, who was his favorite poet. We talked about literature, and how some how got around to admitting that we both kinda miss being out of the literary circle. We miss books and people who read them. His favorite poet is a suffragist poet named Edna St. Vincent Melay (sp)…she used sex in very powerful ways. As he talked I tore apart an Anhuiser Busch coaster….to which more then one person noticed. The first coach began to say something about it…and I was like “Stop…don’t go there..don’t go there…” turns out he was noticing how I rolled the removed paper. KJ states loudly and clearly “Candace is just sexually frustrated…really sexually frustrated.” OMIGOD….I put my head in my hands, and could see out of the corner of my eye that he was red and hiding his face as well. Our mutual attraction is a secret to no one. I kept hitting him in the arm, and he kept telling me that it was “hot” and that I was “hot…” Its my catch phrase. It was all in good fun. When we all realized that we had been there for two hours and needed to go, he said “its soo late…I just want to go to bed… Put me to bed” and out stretched his arm. I rubbed his shoulder and said somehting like “Do you want me to put you to bed…awww..”I told KJ that I wanted to clone Bean so that I could have one to play with and not ruin our friendship. I just don’t what to do with myself. Except keep doing what I’m doing. His presence makes me really really realize how female I actually am. How sexual I actually am. How much I want to be loved unconditionally underneath the gaze of those brown eyes.


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