the path

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so I was talking to this teacher, lorenzo, about how i am joining my new church, and i gained a lot of clarity and distinction about exactly what I am doing. I think it is because his path and reasoning are the exact opposite of mine. And maybe there are similarities, but hearing his experience—this was a fairly short conversation– helped me to be able to more clearly articulate exactly what I want. And talking to my mother to night helped to remind me again just exactly why I need it. We had this thing at my university called “search.” shals knows what I am talking about and maybe i’ve mentioned it before. Its a retreat where you are sequestered for a weekend at this camp while the search staff–who go unknown to the searchers— create this environment of complete support, love, that nurtures the searchers. It really is the most amazing experience. all the while you are there you are getting messages from your friend through an “all-knowing” Fred. this Fred is simply a gathering of the friends and family that love you who have shared with the Search staff their memories and love. Fred can symbolize anything or anyone you want it to. for alot of people–including myself– Fred was more of a spiritual figure. So basically, when I worked on the Search staff three years after my experience, I sent individual messages to the searchers that were signed, “I hope you find what you are searching for.” I am excited and overwhelmingly pleased to have returned to that point in my life where I am on the path to finding what I have been searching for: peace. Paz. clarity. a warm heart free of frustration, disappointment, fear, or anger. I like that I’ve found a place –a faith—where I have felt so welcomed and so comforted and feel that I fit so well. In a community of people to complement the the community of friends from which i build my family. Because Fred knows that I need some sort of family out here that is certainly a source of peace as opposed to frustration, dissappointment, fear, and anger.

I’m sending my mother my laptop. My original intention had been to give my laptop to corey because I am buy a powerbook this weekend, and he could really use the laptop. But I talked to my mother tonight who is desperate to find a new job, and is attempting to complete these certification classes in new technology (re: microsoft excel 2000) so that she can at least get some sort of job. Well, she needs to be on the internet to do this, and wouldn’t you know but my dad can’t seem to find a way to make the internet work at our house. all of a sudden this “genius” of technology can’t figure out why the internet connection is so slow and does not access the website that my mother needs to access to complete her certification. Hmph…convenient. My immediate thoughts are that he is trying to sabotage her ability to get a job…or that he just doesn’t care. I don’t care what his intentions are…my mother needs this and he’s not giving her what she needs and that is his duty as a husband— which he has never been good at—and a father—which he never really was—so I will be shipping off my laptop on Friday afternoon, before the football game so that she can have a laptop she can use outside of the house. I demanded that she call t-mobile tomorrow and subscribe for the t-mobile hotspot plan to add to her phone so that she can go to starbucks and get on line whenever and where ever she wants. Its an extra 30 bucks a month. But she needs this. I still owe 300 bucks on this fucker, but I don’t care. Its not like I wasn’t going to get a new one anyway. For the past six months every time I tried to use my wireless card its caused the blue screen of death to appear on my computer. finally i called tech support to get this shit taken care of so that it will all be in working order when my mother gets it. Its working perfectly now. Neither of us can afford to not have this work for her. I ended up kind of talking to her like I talk to one of my students: firm, with direct instruction of what she needs to do. I totally forgot that mols was in the room while i did this. I don’t care. my mother needs to figure out somethings herself…i told her i would take care of the laptop on this end so that she didn’t take on the added stress of having to deal with a laptop that didn’t work. but I told her that Dad was right about that, she was going to have to learn how to take care some of the technical issues herself when she plans to become single (oh, goodness, that is a whole other issue). She said that she knew that, and that she would call a technician, so I asked her “then why don’t you call one now?” she got quiet. I didn’t mean to sound condescending but the content of the conversation was devestating and frustrating and compounding my need to meditate and pray and sepearte myself further and further from the situation. In the back of my mind lingers the pyschics prediction. I don’t want to believe its going to be true…the future can be changed and it will. I just want to make sure that I can do as much as I can….now.

Goodness…Lord, I need this m ore then ever.

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