Last Night

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ITS BEEN AHELL OF A NIGHT. NOT REALLY IN A BAD WAY BUT IN AN EYE opening kind of way…I made the realization, after an afternoon of telling Ms. S and Ms. O about my crush on Bean, well…that it was never going to happen. My instincts kicked in around 8 pm, and I turned to S and said, “I think I’m going to give my crush on Bean a rest.” And he said “Good…because he’s gay.” He gave a list of reasons why Bean is gay, most of which I don’t care to believe or even interpret as being gay as it is so much as being Latino but whatever it is, I know that it just wasn’t meant to be. I ended up seeing him towards the end of the game and he was like “you’re not your usual jovial self.” He gave me his jacket when I was cold, and I think I referred to myself as one of the guys because I wanted to know what they were talking about. Seeing him didn’t change anything….I still knew that I definitely needed to put that crush to bed because nothing was ever going to come of it. He will still help me move, which is nice of him. He was supposed to come to Round Table with us tonight but didn’t end up showing up. At the place, G asked me “Where’s Bean?” My response “He said he was coming but I think he went home. I don’t have his number though, maybe S can call him.” And G alluded to how Bean wasn’t taking care of business, at which point I confirmed as much to be true. G said “Don’t worry. I think he’s a closet case.” Me: “Why?” Him “because any other man would have sealed the deal by now.” Me : “true. They would have put on the closer jacket and something would come from this.” The coaches truly are the sweetest men ever.

I’ve got t do a better job with flags. I can’t do it next semester. I really can’t. I’ve got to be there at least three days a week, and that truly exhausts me. They need more discipline. They need a tougher hand. I’m too busy and exhausted and depressed to give it to them. We should not have performed tonight. It just didn’t look right. Mainly because the girls didn’t know what they were doing. We’ll do better next week. Just like I told them. There is nothing we can do about it now. We’ve just got to have fun for tonight and on Monday we’re working our asses off to make sure that we look tight next Friday.

I’ve realized that it is absolutely rude for people to brow beat you about why your choice in religion is wrong. Absolutely fucking rude. And people do it to me all the time. I tell people that I’m joining the Catholic church and everyone feels the need to add their 20 dollars worth of opinion without once considering my opinion or my belief struture. Its so absolutely rude and they don’t seem to think so because of their concern for my “salvation” and my “sanity.” Whats worse is that it completely undermines my intelligence and ability to make rational decisions on my own. As if I haven’t done my share of contemplation or questioning. I wasn’t born at this place, I arrived at this place and it’s the only place that I have ever felt truly welcomed or loved. Tonight alone two separate people felt like they needed to guide me in the “right” direction—two people that I really like too, which made it doubly hard for me to sit there and just allow them to speak. They are living examples of the exact reason that I am joining this faith community…because I don’t feel judged there. I don’t feel like people are looking at me and seriously questioning my decisions or my way of life or my beliefs. Since day one I’ve only felt like people are supportive of my relationship with my God, people who want to seem that relationship cultivated. One woman fears the word of God, in that it is the truth and that there are essentials that are truth, such as the fact that we shouldn’t worship Mary because Jesus is the only God and that my religion is wrong from doing so. Ms. S totally went to bat for me even though Ms. S is a holy rolling Pentecostal—her words, not mine—and expressed the opinon that there are core beliefs at the center of all these Christian denominations and the rest is just in house argrments. Ms. O argued that there is a correct way to worship and that these other ways are not true to the word of God. That the way I choose to worship is not true to the way of God. The only thing I want more in the world is to be a member of his family and to shine in the glory of his love. I’m joinging this faith as my commitment to his life and his death. My entire heart is dedicated to this and finding a way to life the best life possible. I’m not perfect. No one is. But I strive for the compassionate and I long for his warmth and fo him to fill me with the love that is missing from my emotional stratosphere. It is only with is strength that I am even able to step forward in this world and do the job that I do. I’ve made this choice because it is the best way that I see that I can improve my relationship with God. I’ve had all of those questions, dealt with all of those facts, and honestly I am not worshiping people. I am not worshiping the founders of the church that interpreted scripture to create the rituals and beliefs that form our sacraments. I am worshipping and living for a God that is far and away above all of this petty bullshit. Sometimes I am impatient and am starving to find his love where it is possible, but I have to trust that he is there…waiting …loving me. Ms. S told me that having her son was the most amazing thing because when she looked at her son and realized how much she loved him, she felt connected to the whole spiritual universe in the fact that that was how much the Father loved her. I think that is beautiful. I think Shalimar is the only person who has been completely without comment or concern about this choice. Such is the nature of our relationship. Such is the nature of our relationships with other people. I would never tell someone what they should do with their life. I may ask a question or two but in all honesty it is your decision. We’re all fucking adults here. I have no right or place to tell anyone how to live their life, nor do they have the right or place to tell me how to live mine. It’s a fucking sign of respect. It doesn’t make me sad for them but it hurts because it reflects their lack in a)confidence in me and b) of knowledge of who I am. I mean, you think you know someone only to realize that they don’t know you. That hurts. That is the test. That is my test. I am being challenged to be vulnerable and accepting of myself in the face of a community that may not in any way, shape or form. This has been my challenge for my entire life. My goal at the end of my path is to develop a strong heart that is still and compassionate. That is end to this means. And I have made my choice, and I am giving myself over to be committed to this task because it is what I need to survive this world and this life. Its shitty because people don’t get it, and they don’t care to even ask or are even considerate enough to even stop and think that maybe what they say doesn’t matter for shit.

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