Vegetable Mist

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Its doing what it does here: half assed raining. I’m sitting in the starbucks directly across from my college campus…I almost referred to starbucks as a coffee shop. Oh this place is soooo much more then that. I’ve been sitting here for an hour because I’m hopeing that a friend who lives in the apartments above starbucks willcome home so that I can see him before I leae town. I odn’t think this will happen. i’ve called twice. I’ve been doing what I do when ever I’m anywhere: hanging out with friends. I ended up at the Wild Ro-az last night….the one lesbian bar in seattle…oddy enough filled with gay men. So fuckign odd. I’m not a big fan of the ro-az but I got t meet the usual suspects in this chapter of the book called sha’ls life. me an d nick got to talk and hang out. I let him do the requisite boy things, like carry my heavy ass suit case up the stairs to shali’s apartment. Actually he was really nice to offer, because I would have carried it up if he hadn’t. And I would have looked at him like “what kinda boy are you?” Yeah, that’s right. I still hold men to gender stereotypes. because damn. that’s just the choice i’m making. I find it funny that i’ve seen so many women with short hair—its funny becasue like 9 out of 10 of them are lesbians, and because you just don’t seen that many women with short hair in LA. They’re mostly lesbians because I’m in capitol hill, seattle’s West Hollywood. Its so nice to be back. Walking around (I know…walking…wow!) and watching my hair do what it does when exposed to the slightest bit of water (ahhhh! not cute). I saw my good friend courtney who i never see…I saw sylva who I never see…i went out dancing, which i never do…i met Erik’s family and his new wife, something I’ve never done…and for the first time ever, i’ve only ..l;h shit. i can’t finish that sentene because I would be lying. I was going to write thatfor the first itme ever I haven’t experience a bit of depression while being in this city, but I kinda did lat night realizing that…oh whatever. It was nice to see shals, sylva, and to meet all of shal’s friends (even teh Trainwreck—who looks so much like her ex-for Atlanta that I can’t stand it). Its nice to be somewhere that i remember and that I know. I can honestly say that I feel like I’m getting to know Los Angeles as well as I know home. This city look so much better from the inside of a car. Must have something to do with being dry and warm. Seeing courtney I finally asked her what the hell happened 5 years ago when she had her nervous break. It was really good to re-connect and figure things out. There never really is too much logic to the fragile nature that is our emtional sensibility, butl we can at least try to make some sense of it from the memories. Honestly, her answers weren’t good enough at first. I responded “you must have been so differetn around other people then you were around me” because what she attributed it to wasn’t the person I knew. She calaims that she wasn’t being herself, adn that she likes the preson that she is now and doesn’t recognize the person she was. Except….they’re teh same perosn to me…there is not a difference. But I surmised that it was connected to a certain group of people and a certain relationship that kick started the downward spiral, and i was right. We’ve always been tight, but our social groups have always been staggered in a sense that i knew the people that were in her social group but I was not dragged dwon by it…She said that was the reason I surived SU and she had to run for her life. I’m glad she ran if that’s the case. She’s much happier now…or far more manic, whatever happiness really is. She says taht she’s not crazy anymore, and well i hope that works for her because crazy is not how either of us want to be. I told her that my life is running on a constant loop and I feel almost the same way I did when I was 18…except that I’m in a better state of mind to do something about this bullshit now. I’m ina better tate of mind to stop making the same mistakes and to really start learning from them. Or at least to challenge myself to make mistakes that really mean something.

Doyle gave me a journaling assignment. I think I’ll try to do it tonight.

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One response »

  1. i dragged your ass to the ro-az cause we couldn’t go to g4g. you have to get some seattle lesbian madness in somehow! and now that I’m heterosexual, it can’t be through me,tee hee

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