I’m not crazy


I forgot to let you all know that I’m not crazy. Remember how I’ve been having extreme difficult time when ever i’ve tried to visit the Banana Republic website. Well I thought it was just me. Until….I met Nick and he explained that BR has the worst server and the worst website and that its been having problems for years. WHEW! I thought I was being rejected.

I saw Bean today. Okay, I’ve seen Bean everyday. He works around the corner from my room and so I see him everyday, sometimes several times a day…okay everyday several times a day. I was so fuckign stressed out when I got back to school on Tuesday. Nothing was graded when I returned from Seattle, I had an IEP to write in less then 24 hours, and I was reading essays…and I look up and there he is. My heart when “thump, thump, thump” real quick like I was on crack. He asked me “What’s wrong? You look sad.” He bought me lunch. He was going off campus and I ask him everytime I go off campus, so he asked me. Sweetheart. He humors me when I stop by his classroom to randomly talk to him. I stopped by today. he was wearing the letter man jacket that says “C. Bean” on the back of it. Before I aksed himif it was a coaching jacket and he said “Something like that.” Today I finally asked him, “Was your brother’s name Carlos?” Because a while back —after I met his father, Carlos— I realized that the jacket he wears was in fact his brother’s jacket. His brother was killed about 20 years ago. So I finally asked him, and I kinda felt like “oh…” you know, like I was treading on thin ice. He said “Yeah,” and did a peace sign over his heart. I pinched his chin. I fear that I like him again. Not like last time. But in a totally “God, Erik is married, and Bean is so nice, and I want to die” kind of way. My hair is dry. I don’t want to go to class. I just want to go home. But hey, at least i don’t have to teach again until January.


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