11:33

Standard

My clock is over ten minutes fast.

we’re reading these self help books for one class at LMU to help us for some reason…Perspective gaining, possibility recognizing…I have no idea. But all I know is that I am glad that I am now able to recognize when a depressive anxiety ridden episode is about to come on. No wait, I type that as if these books have something to do with it…They don’t. Its just hitting me the fucking shit load of work I have to do this semester just so that I can get my fucking degree. Everyone has been saying that this semester is supposed to be the easiest…Except I forgot that I wasn’t actually hearing that from anyone who had gone through the special ed cohort…Which is completely different. Let’s just put it this way: while my general ed colleagues are taking one less class or are at least there a lot less, those of us in the special ed cohort are actually taking one extra class this semester….Our field work class has actually been taken out of the field and put into the classroom! And we’re being charged for it. WHAT! Its fucking ridiculous. So instead of taking one real class, and one class to help me write my portfolio, I am taking three real classes, each of which has their own separate intense paper, and I have to pull together my portfolio. WTF. I’m trying to remain calm about it all…Trying to juggle it all in my head and my palm pilot. I know its getting hairy when I want to move back to Seattle. Now that’s quite the rollercoaster…From loving LA to wanting to trash it all….I’m glad I’m not there yet. I just need to get away from it all. I know its bad when I just want to retire and have babies. That’s not me at all… My friend hilarie had her baby yesterday. Isn’t that insane. We give birth. Life grows inside of women. It creeps me out and fascinates me at the same time. That is such a huge responsibility. Life, and the nurturing of life. Bean and I were talking about that today. Newsflash: so over him. He rubbed my shoulders this week, wiped an eyelash off my face today…His mere touch does not make me swoon, the sight of him does not make me sweat, he is no longer the ideal- just the remnants of an old habit. I get scared and concerned because I am not dating anyone…But I’m trying to see the infinite possibility in being single. Right now it means that I am not waiting for imminent heart break to occur…Which I feel like is okay. It will happen when its meant to happen. And if it doesn’t happen, maybe I will be given the strength to be happy with myself. Let’s just see how trying to catch the infinite possilbility in everyday life changes the way that I respond to the insane amount of pressure I’ve placed upon myself by choosing this professional program.

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