I’m already drunk. Its 7pm, and I’m already drunk on my couch, watching memiors of a geisha insated of getting ready for the party that I need to arive at by 9pm. Mols and I went and got our nails done–the parents are coming into town in less then 24 hours and I need to look nice– and then went for drinks and dinner at the usual bar. MB was there. I told her about how I gave him my number and he didn’t call, so we weren’t really talking to him. He came over and gave me a hug, asked about my hand, and then I don’t remember how the conversation ended but bleh on him anyways. As I told mags last night, a consistent theme that runs through my life is that boys are a disappointment. Without fail, the men and boys in my life have been a consistent disappointment. which makes me wonder: then why put any faith in them at all? I wish i knew a different way to be, but I don’t. However, the longer I live, the more I am beginning to understand the way I need to be to endure such disappointment, i just can’t get it to match up with who I am.
Of late, I have also been consistently disappointed in the quality of meat I’ve been eating. Maybe I’ll become a vegetarian. I want to vomit up the fried food I’ve ingested (a few cheese sticks) because in this drunken state I can’t get their greasy smell out of my nose. I didn’t eat even one peice of the chicken on my caesar salad…and the steak in my burrito at The Hacienda was disgusting. Its all so disappointing…and disgusting.
I need to learn a new way to be. What am I going to do with myself?
Its funny how I see the racial bias in everything. K’s mom told Mols that she’s every thing that the mother hoped she wold be. his mom loved her. but in that statement I couldn’t help but think that Mols is everything K’s mom hoped she would be…because Mols is white. Both of K’s other long term girlfriends were women of color–F was a latina, and the love of his life before her was brown of some sort. The mom hated F…but I can’t think of a person who really liked her all that much in the first place. white or not white, F was kinda crazy, and um…well, may they be happy together, because as I told Mols, I have no intention of liking whomever she dates until they marry her.
I’ve already had two very strong margaritas… I don’t know how I will get anywhere I need to be.