breathe

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so my anxiety level fucking spiked this evening. my blood sugar was low because i hadn’t eaten anything since a cookie around 1, and so i had that feeling when you awake after having too much sleep. I ate some dinner, and then felt like something was sitting on my chest- heavy, not hurting. So instead of watching scrubs at 9, i went to the gym. We’ll have to examine this at tomorrow’s therapy appointment. Needless to say I have not done the laundry that needs to be done in order for me to pack. My room is still a mess, and well, today I bought condoms. I know, crazy right, because there is just a slim chance that they’ll get used in this decade. Slim chance. You never can be too sure though, and until my application to the Sacred Heart Convent gets approved I’ve chosen to stock up on safety percausions. Especially after reading the Newsweek Article about Aids and the Black community (Heterosexual, Black women are the fast growing group of HIV infections). Fucking scary. I remember being in my Feminist Theories class when I realized that everything was set against me: I’m a girl and I’m black (no big shock), but then I also majored in English Literature (not Language and Lit, but simply Lit—so I can read really well, but you wouldn’t know that from looking at my GRE scores), and I’m heterosexual and at the time, had just finished a relationship where we’d been having pretty steady unprotected sex for like a year and a half. Oh, from those odds its just a matter of time before I get HIV from my husband. So, I bought condoms. And a travel pack of KY Jelly, because even though I have way better lubricant for my toys, this travel size will travel way better when I go to spain. As I said to Mags at different points this week, I think I am more likely to sleep with a man if he speaks Spanish and if I’ve been drinking. This trip to Spain and living in LA are what make that slim chance of sex this decade possible. Now I just have to figure out how to get boys to call me so that it can lead to that. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…i should get a shirt that says, in spanish, “talk to me, I’m cute.” That way, if he can read it chances are he can speak spanish, and chances are if I’m wearing that shirt, I’ll be a little bit drunk.

Oh….speaking of HIV, the Newsweek article brought up the interesting issue of the “Down low” culture amoungst black men, where some men engage in sex with other men without telling their girlfriends or wives. The article alludes to the fact that this probably has some roots in the prison system, where jail sex is just “survival sex.” I have two points to make on this matter. A) being that black and brown men primarily fill the penitentiaries in this country, and this “DownLow” culture is so far associated with the black community, is the same culture present within the brown community as well? Seriously, Black men in prison are not the only ones engaging in “survival sex” so can I safely assume that its present in some brown communities as well? B) “Survival Sex”! What the fuck! Some men are so fucking weak. they will fuck anything that breathes. Its fucking to be fucking, not to build a relationship because these men do not acknowledge this act to be homosexual in nature (which it is). Some women in prison engage in same sex sex, but this is often built into a community, nurturing thing…or a plain just sex thing. I don’t think its to survive. I think its cool to fuck in order just to fuck–that’s you’re business, its great–but, um, you’re gay. I’m just gonna say it, and the New York Times agrees with me, you’re gay. And that is fucking Fabulous! Own up to it, embrace it, especially if you’re going over to your boy’s house to fuck him. You’re not in jail, you’re just gay. Its okay. But what do i know…oh, that you’re gay.

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One response »

  1. Men are WEAK, is right. Okay, I apologize, some men are weak, others are fine. For example, at the park on Sunday we ended up talking to this guy who has a steady girlfriend that he’s living with BUT STILL wanted major props because he didnt “bang” anyone when he went to Hawaii for 3 weeks.

    Is that survival sex?

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