insomnia

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I’ve had anxiety related insomnia for the past two nights. my body is exhausted, my eyes a bit tired, my throat so tired that i’m suprised in can swallow. i am annoyed of the constant click of the air conditioner running on auto pilot. On….off…on…off. my body is over heating and chilled at the same time. My roommate and her boyfriend need to die a slow death…i mean, he needs to go home or they need to go to bed because they’ve re-entered the living room for like the 5th time tonight. i’ve been digging around finding old friends who knew me before I was me. high school friends, college friends. people who are connected to times and places that i may not wan to return, but i have such fond memories of most of these people that it doesn’t make it difficult to decide to be social. its funny how much of you people notice when you think that no one is noticing you at all.

I have a friend who I met purely based on the fact that she dated my college boyfriend before me. I can’t even remember how or when or why we met. it wasn’t while they were dating. Goodness, there were so many different characters around at that time I guess its not suprising how I know any of them. We lived in the tiny dorm, Xavier, the one with flava. we’re corresponding through email via myspace. She asked about brian, and I had to explain to her the difficulty in the our breaking up and our inability to be friends, though we achieved several great random acts of kindness towards one another afterwards. She told me that now he’s married to his “soul mate” and I immediately knew who she meant. I didn’t notice the patterns before, but I look back now and I can peice together the beginning of “the fall” and how he tried to prepare me for it, until I eventually had to just pull the rug out from beneath both of us so that we could land on our asses, slowly but surely. I’ve written before about how the gentleman at my work like to revision my past, but I can’t do that. I didn’t think that he was cheating on my then, and it doesn’t much matter now, so there is no reason to apply false logic to a period of time that cannot be recreated. I can, however, understand the logic of those patterns, those peices that seemed so peculiar then but are clear now. The convulted rationality behind our constant obsession with not wanting to hurt the other person though our hearts and bodies ached to be somewhere else. We loved each other a lot for such young adults. We were serious, but she was a much better fit for him then I was. She intended on sticking around. We knew before we even got started that my future was large and bright and extended well beyond the scope of seattle and washington. She helped him emotionally understand where I was coming from in our arguments about priority and how i felt i was low on his list. She is the reason why we stayed together four months longer then we should have. We broke up on a Sunday night, and I stayed over at his apartment because old habits die hard and we were both really hurt, but glad that what needed to be done was done. The next morning as I was walking home one of my first thoughts was, “we should have done that in october,” the beginning of our downward spiral. Us being friends didn’t work because his attempts to “protect” me always ended up with me not being able to trust him because he was decietful. I was really upset then, but look back now and can see the torment between being lied to or having to face the truth…or in his case, having to demolish my feelings and live with the repercautions of that. I can be pretty sure in this assertion because when we finally laid everything out on the table in emails written about our exhaustion over expecations and disappointments it was clear we were pretty wiped out and pretty much declared our friendship fractured near disrepair. Two days after those emails was Valentine’s day. I wrote him an email wishing him a happy valentines, and he wrote back relieved and appreciative.

And then, if hindsight serves correctly, we pretty much bounced back in seperate directions. I can say that because my life improved by like 5 fold that semester. I saw my friends on a damn near hourly basis, I smoked pot for the first time…and a lot of it. i danced and danced and drank and made new friends, and went out on a coffee date, met Cores and Mags in Torrance during early placement and graduated with honors. For my birthday he got me a display case sized poster of my favorite movie (City of God), for his birthday I got him a mug, his favorite cider mix and something else i knew he would enjoy. and then poof, i was gone. LA bound. I’m sure I must have seen him once or twice and experienced some disappointment in his inability to get over his own pride because i was more then happy to move to LA, and didn’t really think twice about him until he emailed me in September. That was the september of wondering if i’d ever find a fucking job teaching, working at robinson’s may, and having to use the internet at the Redondo Beach library because I didn’t have any at my apartment. I got one email from him that fall, asking how things were going. And then we never spoke again. I only thought about him a couple times these past three years until my friend mentioned him. It was like a door slammed open inside of me. Suddenly I missed his parents, and i think that kept me up most of the night on saturday. i talked to them Sunday morning and his mother filled me in on all the details of his marriage: married for three years (august of 2003), they have an 8 month old baby girl, and the only reason I know i was write in my assumption about who the wife was is because she let the name slip. Its funny because no one in this family would have told me about him getting married unless i asked. you know how I know…because even though I didn’t talk to him in the fall of 2003, right after he got married, I did talk to his dad and sister in july, and again in september…..and they mentioned nothing. I talked with his little sister today for five minutes and she mentioned nothing, i talked to his dad for five minutes and he mentioned nothing- not even the grandchild- but i did tell his mother that i’d heard that he got married and then she felt obliged to spill the beans. They’re like that…circle of trust.

I think i’m anxious tonight because I wrote him an email. wished him a happy father’s day, told him congratulations on being married, updated him on my life, and then told him that even if he didn’t write back to be sure to know that he and his family played a big part in helping me to become who i am today…which is 100% true. i’ll see his family when i go back to visit. and just maybe he’ll write me back. that still doesn’t help me to get some sleep because nothing is racing, not my brain, not my heart, not my feet. i just can’t sleep. i’ll know tomorrow if he writes back. i doubt he will. when i don’t recieve the email, i will be able to sleep again.

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