A focused effort

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I need as much support as necessary for the next endeavor on which I am about to embark. I can’t think of anything harder then what I am about to do. It might actually involve prayer to endure the first couple of weeks. I’m going to give up fast food. its not like I eat a ton of it…but i’m done with it. I’m done with its convenience. I’ve got to get into cooking more, and haev some abstract recognition of what I have a taste for. Giving up fast food is just a small scale version of large “convenience” and “comfort” that may need to be cut from my life. Impulsivity. Indecisiveness. Insecurity. Stagnate existence. I’m giving it all up. Gone. Done.

Its funny how you can wake up and realize that everything you think you know about anything…isn’t necessarily true. And that leaves you without a complete context in which to base your truth, since nothing is true, and everything is new. That doesn’t make sense. Case in point, for the longest time I thought that all I wanted out of guy was that he was nice. Except now I’m faced with a perfectly nice guy, who has issues that come with being a perfectly nice guy, who I have absolutely zero interest in. I could seriously make myself like this guy. I could make myself develop feelings for him, and pine away for him in an unrequited kinda way …but we all know how I feel about that. Like I’m sure that we will be great friends…but nothing more then that. at all…its not what I want.

Suddenly, I don’t want a “nice” guy. Being “nice” is synonymous to having a lack of follow through. its akin to having absolutely no idea how to get what you want, or how to want what you have, or more simply….not knowing what you want at all. And, that’s okay. Not knowing what you want. I have no idea what I want, except I know that I want to date a good number of guys to figure out what I want. But other then that, I have no idea what I want. But at least I know that. And at least I know…well, you should want me. the problem with this guy …the most unattractive quality he has is his own self deprecation….his, “you shouldn’t want me” attitude. Not towards me, but towards another. He flirts with me and hangs around in away that kinda made me uncomfortable at the party, and that will be interesting to experience when we’re chaperoning this weekend. but he still has a very, “you shouldn’t want me” attitude. there is no quiet confidence. or even an aura of a quiet confidence. we are attracted to our own…which means that, when I have it…he’ll have it. who ever he is. or…they are.

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