nothing about this article is hot. its just that my room is kinda warm, and i can’t sleep despite being up since 6:30pm last night…I’m not going to get all melodramatic and say i didn’t take a nap yesterday afternoon, so i’ve been up for 24 hours. i got two hours sleep, so i’ve been awake since 6:30pm. Despite the kind words of friends, and the suggestion to get some sleep, i was only able to close my eyes for two minutes earlier when my phone rang. I’m trying to be proactive between placating disturbing, guilt creating (not on my part), and placating steaming “upset” assistant principals who make threats that I really will not be able to support (not towards me), I have been laying here reading blogs, A Mighty Heart, and chatting with great friends.
I started this entry because i wanted to rant about double click ads that border pages like Defamer and Gawker. I hate those things. I hate the fact that i occassionally click on one as I move between open windows (multi-tasking)and inadvertently help some cooperate schmuck, or some pervert ad exec for American Appearal earn a few more bucks. I don’t care that they’re really adults, they look like children forced to wear brightly hued-80’s inspired-slightly over priced, but strong in quality-and certainly not made in a sweat shop-gear. My friend Alex had phrase for it. I just wish I could remember it. I only heard it once.
so i realized something last night. I don’t like rollercoaster (DUH!) because the acceleration causes this welling in my chest, tantamount to a rush of emotions and feelings, that i am forced to let out, rather then comfortably keep in. I screamed on both drops (small, rollercoaster drops) on the Pirates of the Carribean ride. I refused to go on Indiana Jones again…the first time i closed my eyes at all the dark parts…you know, the parts that are so dark that it looks like your eyes are closed anyway. I have fear of the unknown, a fear of what I can’t see in the dark, a fear of what will happen if i let go and let it out. I only really enjoy laughter and the feeling of laugter, because it is the sound of happiness. I cry softly as possible–i have never been a sobber, though trying to speak while i cry always sounds weird– and when something is really funny, I’ve been known to make no…
(shit. I just realized that today is Friday…NOT THURSDAY. ITS STREET CLEANING DAY. And I just got another ticket for parking on the wrong side of the street because i was laying in bed instead of moving my car. Fuck it. there is only 30 minutes left in the street restriction, and i’ve already got the ticket. I just ran down there to see…I kept it on the windsheild so that I don’t get two. I’ll transfer the money from savings to pay both tickets. I am not going to beat myself about this one. The first one, well, i stupidly parked in a red zone over night and got a ticket at 3am…when I could have been parked in my own spot. stress, and a lack of clear thinking skills will do me in one day. It has certainly already burned me today.)
ANYWAY, when something is really funny, extremely funny, I’ve been known to make no sound as tears come to my eyes, as i am doubled over laughing. I haven’t thought something was this degree of funny in a long time. Its well past a gufaw, a laugh out loud, a knee clapper, and even a hand clapper. Its too funny to be appropriate to laugh as loud as it would require. I called my therapist yesterday morning to make an appointment in these next few weeks. I think this is worth discussing.
Walter gave me some great advice, which he a credits to Osho, but which I will a Walterism: “when it comes to guidance on how to feel, just don’t suppress what you’re feeling or it’ll be hard to let go of. if you’re feeling guilt, just feel that in all it’s shade, give the feeling your full attention and it’s energy gets spent soon enough to where you can let it go.” i find in these words clarity, as well as action. If I meditate on them, I will learn and actually do this, then maybe some change wil come. maybe i will see a light or find knowledge about how to find myself and conqueor my fears. maybe i need a trip to india. Kidding. that’s in reference to a book club book we just finished. maybe i just need to keep close friends around, and continue to try to think about things differently. A change in thinking–and, in turn, feeling–will lead to a change in action. Walter, your $10 copay is in the mail.
I turned off my phone. I turned on my air conditioner. I rinsed and sliced some strawberries. I put on Narnia. I estimate that I’ll at least be asleep in 45minutes. That, or when the movie is finished I’ll be able to go out and find food or cook…or something.