tick-a-boom

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Not that i have a maternal clock, but if i did, it would have exploded in the last 15 minutes. I was just advised that my first priority as a female is to have children. It sounds worse then it was. Imagine an endearing older Russian woman sharing with you her worst regret. That’s exactly how she put it. Those were the words that ended the conversation. Never having children was her worst regret. She was going on about spending her youth thinking about how there is so much time, so much time to do anything…and now, there isn’t enough time. No time at all. Huh…wow. I am definitely in that time frame of life where I am seriously in the mode of “I have all teh time in the world.” Also, my experience with motherhood was not necessarily one of joy, just one of obligation and work. My mother is amazing. I love her more then anyone else in the world (sans my Dee), however, I was raised to the persistent droning about the wonders of a childless life, and the freedom it could offer me if I wait as long as humanly possible to have children (ie not at all). Now i get these phone calls every time my mother sees a handsome man, telling me how she wonders what our children would look like (gorgeous—hasn’t she ever met me?). Safe to say…i still don’t want babies. But i do need to have it in my mind. Its like ‘THE SECRET’ knowing and envisioning exactly what you want so that you can attract it. I think I’ve partly figured it out with my attraction to N (other things haven’t been figured out, which is fine because this is just fun and not at all forever), but I definitely need to come to terms with those things I want. The sooner, the better. I should become as deliberate about my life as I am about my educational goals. I should just take the leap, and not be afraid. Of what, I don’t know…but I’m just sayin.

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