the wave

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so, i’m hitting that spot in the wave of self-realization where i realize that i have no idea what i like or my interests…and therefore, how am i supposed to go out and do the things that i like, and meet the people who like the same things i like. This patch of realization is usually accompanied by fears of growing old alone, and glimpses of self doubt and insecurity–bad, bad, bad. I have this issue because I chose (note the emphasis on making the choice, not simply throwing up my hands at this notion of ‘no choice’-whatever the word is for that) to remain super focused and work. I’ve always been driven that way. In high school I worked my butt off because a)it was expected of me because I b) wanted to go to college and c) knew I couldn’t get there without some serious financial support from generous donors and the Fed. In college, I a) worked my butt off in order to b)keep my scholarships and c) to get into a great grad school or d) have something to do after graduation. I moved to LA and jumped into teaching and school because a)I needed to make money that would allow me to live comfortably (i wasn’t homeless) and b) I was in the habit of work hard. Hello, see my entire life. So, can you see the problem? I’ve made fabulous choices in order to keep myself afloat. And along the way I made some cool friends- at work, and from TFA (which is an extension of work) and LMU (the graduate school extension of work). Is it any wonder that I have no idea how to figure out how to have fun outside of all things having to do with work. I do have good friends though. I was just inspired to call my friend Angel Sticks (Angie Palos), and we’ve set up a date for monday and a phone date for friday. Angie was my sounding board at LMU through our master’s program. When I get together with friends we tend to do the following: eat, drink, watch movies, reminisce about the past, and ponder our futures. With some friends its easier than others. Right now my finances make all of the above a little harder to do from time to time. My problem, as I was sharing with Esther, who has the same problem, is that I have much higher expectations for myself then I think others do. Maybe I’m a fool to have these expectations…but I have goals. For example, I don’t have a credit card I can use, just one that I’m paying off. I want to save over $300 a month (though this is proving difficult) because there is no reason why I shouldn’t. I do have clothing credit cards, but I am also not using those, and simply paying them off. I am consistently paying my student loans on time, and am almost always concerned about my credit in the back of my mind. I don’t have aspirations to have a house anytime soon, though I wouldn’t mind a great one bedroom. I don’t want casual, meaningless relationships filled with casual meaningless sex, because it doesn’t make me feel good about myself- and honestly, why should i share myself with worthless individuals. I expect that I will have a stronger relationship with God, the same way I expect to have stronger friendships–so like in my friends, I need to actually put some work into this area. Last Thursday, a goal I had was to be able to save $20k by 2010, not by savings alone, but through investments in proper bank account types (CDs or whatever). This was when I had the plan to go to school psychology school in 2009-2010, and the fall of 2010 would be my first year of working half time to zero time. Its a rather ambitious goal…but I can make it happen, if its what i really want. The problem I’m running up against is really wanting it. Really wanting anything actually. You know, aside from sleep…which I want all the time. Sleep and food, which I eat all the time (I just watch to make sure its okay and won’t make my stomach all gassy. DAMN wheat!). Denise says I really need to pray hard, really think hard about what I want, who I am. What do i care about. I guess its going to take varied, and diverse new experiences with people I trust…and complete trust in myself. But that’s a whole different blog entry. Where’s my dark chocolate?

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2 responses »

  1. *sigh* i miss you. We need to get on a phone chat line ASAP…
    cause i feel you. I’ve been thinking about the same stuff. Maybe its just a sign of age

  2. Ooo, lots of good points you brought up, I’ll have to comment via email since I’m writing a reply to your current one. Man, that sounded a little circular.

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