don’t call it a break down…


i’m certainly not having another one of those. things here aren’t spiralling hopelessly out of control…possibly because financial responsibilities doesn’t allow for such reckless nonsense. Student loan payments don’t stop for breaks in emotional dams. but i’ve got to get on to making big changes in my life because I can’t keep moving forward towards something so superficial and unfullfilling, with this complete lack of self knowledge and delusional delights of a life that i don’t even know that i want. It all looks nice, but its not real. i spent most of yesterday afternoon having me broken down into a flow chart. It was excellent. Denise knows me pretty well, and was able to spell out everything I feel and everything I’m longing for and its all super complex. You should see the flow chart i made. but i’ve got to get on to creating a life of purpose and meaning, because i’ve spent so long not really participating in this life. i’ve just been observing it. i can’t pin point when in my life time i decided i wasn’t worthy of living this life, or that i wasn’t good enough to experience it first hand….but i feel like it was a long time ago, and i have alot of habits to break and a lot of me to get to know. she says i should start by making a list of what i like,who i am, what i don’t like, what i’m not. I’m not sure of what to do after that, but i’m sure it involves diving head first into those things. i’ve felt for too long like i’m out of this body, and i want to feel like i’m in this body and in this life. it explains why i’m coming home and heading to bed, and really having to push myself to get to the gym to escape the stress of work, and why i keep having these circular thoughts that are so negative and filled with doubt(which is only made more difficult when i’ve actively given it up for lent!). I wish i could figure out a way to upload chart I made as an image. i wish i could transpose the conversation i had with denise here, it would make so much more sense. i guess it would take a lot more knowing me also for it to really make sense. but here i go, diving into figuring out me.


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