stuck in a moment


I have on occasion been stuck in moments of deja vu. I’m currently stuck in one. not the act of typing in my blog, but of watching a program on transitional community for convicts in New York who are teamed up with other ex-convicts who have managed to make it so that they too can make it. its like a bigbrother kind of thing. its an odd deja vu to have, but i still had it. As in I had vividly been here in that moment before. I wonder how the universe…our subconscious creates these moments that are so vidid and real, yet unexperienced until we recognize that we are experiencing a past moment. I wonder if that make sense.

I’ve made the conscious decision to not watch shows about other twenty-somethings trying to make it. These shows are never as interesting as they attempt to be. I couldn’t get into scrubs (even though folks say it was comic genius). I only stomached Gray’s Anatomy’s first season on DVD because of the compassionate drama amongst the patients, not the drama amongst the docs (which is why i stopped watching it). I didn’t ever get into Sex and the City (I felt the protagonist was poorly dressed though the show had some okay moments)and only truly enjoyed the flashback episodes of Friends. Girlfriends was a funny show…but it just made me jealous for the life those women were living over there in Ladera Heights and View Park and Baldwin Hills. I like Medium, comedies like Two and a Half Men and How I met your Mother, and procedurals like CSI: anywhere in the continental US. They don’t seem to take themselves too seriously. I really like public broadcasting. I am seriously turning into an old woman. Its more interesting watching people trying to hustle, really make it work in a legit way. I know its a reality that I live in, but watching others do it is very different. I think that’s why like documentaries and public broadcasting. and its 10 times better then some bullshit reality tv show. Documentaries, public broadcasting, and CBS…yeah, I’m old.

HAI said my name twice today! He called me out when I was slacking, and he said, “see you later Candy” when I was leaving. that was real. not deja vu. The Russian girls were impressed by my not eating brad and wheat (thought I told them I cheat and that I love condiments) and they stuck around to ask him questions, while I bowed out gracefully. I couldn’t stand to hang out any longer. I don’t like it when people look at me. Not unless its HAI…then you know, its all good. Seriously, I’m learning how to take a compliment, and how to hold my thoughts captive. Its hard. Its a practice I started yesterday, and its difficult being that thoughts come out of my head like water from many of my cracked bowls. I am trying to transform my thoughts. being aware of my thoughts, holding them captive and transforming the negative into the positive as to not negate action. its a super difficult habit to break, but i’m open to working on it.


2 responses »

  1. The first steps of being aware of your thoughts and emotions makes being conscious much easier and more frequent down the road. Good for you, most people are totally unaware of what they think and feel.

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