so, today was an interesting day. i woke up at 9 and had a delicious bowl of oatmeal. i hung out in my chair and watched a bit of that’s so raven and hannah montana. i had a huge head ache (i’ve got to stop eating fried food and processed sugar–they’re poisoning my system)so i climbed back into bed. i slept until about 2, woke up did a little work, grabbed my books and headed to the post office and psychobabble. i ended up sitting outside under the setting sun, when this guy sits down next to me and starts talking about zora neale hurston, whom i’m reading, which prompts this other guy to start talking about the zora neale hurston stamp he just put a bid on, an starts this small circle of lit banter. turns out he’s a middle school teacher at the middle school i was supposed to teach at when i first interviewed with teach for america, blah blah blah. then he asks me if i want to go for a drink, and i try to rain check, to which he says there is no raincheck, and then asks me if i wan to go to the movies, to which i say yes. we went and saw “the bank job” which i thought was great. i also just thought it was interesting that this guy just came up to me, started talking, and i agreed to go to a movie with him. i just figured, “whatever, why not.” he wasn’t my type, being that i don’t really have a type and my conscious is torn between what looks right (HAI) and what is right (someone who loves me, wants to take care of me, and and actually cares for me). i’m trying to figure out where the intersection of these two things is located. Denise asked me last night what i am doing to take steps towards my goal of trying to figure out who i am right now. one of those things is going out more, like me going to a coffee shop and trying to work less and read more. Working out and being fit. Going to church and strengthening my relationship with God. I told Denise about how I am having trouble pushing myself to do more, and to really take the leap in forming new relationships with people because of my own personal insecurities. She brought up an awesome point: by me being removed from the community, any community, I am missed. People miss me. I asked her what she meant, and she asked me this, “Do you miss [HAI]?” To which I fessed up that sometimes I picture the way our life would be together if we were together. He would be totally sweet, and quiet, and it would look right and be right..which is what would matter. So, I guess the answer is yes, I miss him. She mentioned that by not being a part of the community, holding myself back, there is this Candace shaped hole left where I should have been. so, that brings us back today and me going to the movies with a stranger that i don’t seriously ever intend to see again. it was a different experience, so i gave it a shot. it was difficult though, because i can talk about work easily but struggle with answering those hard questions like, who’se your favorite chef (no one, but i enjoy food writers like anthony bourdain- who is a chef), and what type of music do you listen to (classical, jazz, dance hall, international, but mostly just anything that will get me to move while i’m working out). so, i guess i have some areas develop and on which to focus. i gave him my number at the end of the night (wrote it on the back of the card he gave me at the very beginning of the conversation), gave him a hug, and drove away. i grabbed some food from Trader Joes (all good fasting ends when the sun goes down) including my favorite frozen brown rice, turkey keblasa,black beans, salad, bananas, and wine (!) and dinner. i want more dinner. i’ll just have more wine and sorbet.
Things i like:
movies with Jason Statham (hottie!)
Vanity fair magazine
black female writers