So, I’m sitting here at work with Juan and Denis and trying to de-construct my attraCtion to Robert, the hot aerobics instructor (HAI) so that I can get over this hurdle and move on. At the root of it is what I am looking for in a man, I just need to wade through it, jump over it, burst the bubble that is the aesthetics and find the deeper meaning. So here’s the break down:
Quality: what they symbolize
Teeth/Physically strong: healthy, not death, implies length of time which leads to stability/commitment
Hazel eyes: unusual, satisfaction with self, warm, focused, i feel wanted
Dark Skin: black, pure,s table, phenotypically black children, strength, cultural pride, understanding, class, shared values, create lief in the future
Well dressed; middle class, health, self awareness, appropriate, mix in, stability
From this, these overwhelming characteristics imply that HAI makes me feel,instinctively, the possibility for stability, comfort, and commitment. It was such a relief to finally derive those characteristics from the madness that is my life, because honestly, i had no idea what I wanted in a person, and was just running on instinct. I knew that the aesthetic attraction wasn’t a strong enough quality to maintain a relationship with anyone, because “pretty changes.” I also knew that I needed to hurry up and figure this out so that I can move forward, because, as I’ve stated before, I’m not getting any younger. I think a lot of the anxiety that I express in this blog comes from the pressure of life in general, and the reality that as an upwardly mobile, young, black female I really don’t have the luxury of fucking around until it figures itself out. I need to be on it, and make it work.
An important quality is the presence of drive, tenacity, and purpose. Someone who have the tenacity and drive to make their lives work will also have the tenacity to make a relationship work. It also means that I need to be the person that I want “be” in a relationship–as in, I will attract who I am to myself. This is me, updatin you on every aspect of my fabulous life!