courage

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i made the choice to not earn extra money by inventorying the items on the locke high school campus. green dot needed folks who were willing to make $150 for working from 7:30am until 3:30pm on a saturday. I knew it was a bad idea when I signed up…and bowed out yesterday at nearly the last minute. This worked it self into my plans to spend more time experiencing life and less time working. We all know how I feel about that. So, yesterday afterwork I ended up in a coffee shop in Leimert park working, well, catching up on work that I should have done months ago. Leimert park is in the middle of an area that is typically described as middle class and black. Its been apart of my plans for months to spend more time there, so I’ve been doing that recently. There was a live jazz band playing yesterday, and aftewards, Denise and I went to a creole restaurant around the corner from the coffee shop, 5th street dicks, for a late dinner, where I, again, experienced creole food that was better then the food i experienced in New Orleans. I’m just sayin.

Anyway, it was at 5th street dicks that I told Denise about Maggie. You all know maggie. She’s fabulous. Her blog is listed to the right. People who’ve never met her love her…that’s how great she is. That’s how great most of the readers of this blog are. I’m just sayin. For those of you who haven’t yet had the chance to experience Maggie, you should know that everytime I’ve ever hung out with Maggie I’ve heard a new story about her life growing up in Oklahoma. I have a tendency to get stuck on the same stories when I talk about my life. Only a few things really stick out enough for me to make them apart of my anecdotal reserve. Maggie has a brand new story every single time I see her. And its not like these things are happening right now, they happened in the past, and are still new. I’m waiting for her to drop out of law school and just start writing books. Anyway, I was tell Denise about Maggie, and I was telling her a story that maggie had told me, which brought us to the topic of family dynamics. (For a second there, even I was wondering where I was going with this.) She brought up a good point about why I’ve been going through what I described as an existential “crisis”-its not really a crisis, but its certainly a challenge- and have been having a difficult time emotionally, which has been effecting me physically. Along with everything else at work, I am also challenging my family dynamic- what i’ve viewed and the history I’ve learned about how a family should be and how adults should be. We learn from what we see, what we are exposed to, what we experience. My life in Los Angeles is completely different from all the things I’ve seen, experienced, or been exposed to…and I’m trying to figure it out. I’m challenging the images and ideas in my head, and I’m doing something very different from the other women in my family. this was just an idea she through out there, and I have to say that I agree. I’m breaking away from the pack, and trying to make that work, which is frightening. Being an adult is frightening. So I said to her, “That is definitley apart of it. I mean, I am now an age where I have no excuse to not go after what I want and to be who I want to be.” And she says to me, “No. There are tons of excuses. You have every excuse. You just choose to have the courage to pursue the life of which you dream.” I thought that was awesome. I think I can say that about a few of you too. We have the courage to pursue the life that is right for our authentic selves. and we have the courage to realize that that self is growing and changing every day. I just wanted to make a note of that so that I don’t forget.

*to be physically healthy
*to be self accepting- to not be so worried if I don’t make it to the gym once in awhile, or if i enjoy amazing food once and a while (which i did yesterday- chocolate cake that didn’t affect me too bad, and creole food that was delicious)
*to be financially stable and healthy (paying myself first by saving, being smart about my credit)
*to live in the moment
*to live with regret
*to have great friends
*to have a stronger relationship with my faith
*to be more deliberate
*to have more courage

I went dancing last night. It was a great way to celebrate being 27! My first friday night out! I haven’t danced like that in forever. I had a bit to drink, so I stayed on my friend’s couch. I woke up this morning, tamed my hair, and spend some time over at target looking through their cardigans (I always catch a chill in the summer, in the spring, whenever, and decided to do the smart thing and buy them early), their jewelry, and their sunglasses. I’ve been changing my style. I dress like a college student. Last weekend I realized that I was tired of looking down and seeing my toes, so I bought some shoes. This week I realized that wearing track jackets no longer really goes with the classical sense of style that I’m trying to develop (think Katie Holmes or Jackie O…who would have ever thought I’d put those two in the same sentence), so I’m sending the track jackets to my mother. Plans with Alex were cancelled-he’s swamped…and if patterns hold true, he, like myself and another aries I know, may also being going through an existential challenge (he’s preparing to move to AZ, which means finding a new job, finding a place to stay, and making a new life in a land of scorpions and heat). I’ll wash my hair, clean my apartment, and call Amanda about things I could make for Chris’ birthday. I wonder if he still likes lemon flavor?

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One response »

  1. 1) I love you too and you’re the best.

    2) I’m so GLAD you didn’t do inventory for $150 on a Saturday. Are they aware that you are a teacher and not a stock boy?!

    3) The Creole food looks amazing–you must take me there.

    4) Alex is moving to Arizona?!

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