i am becoming slightly less unwound. not in a bad way. i away that says that i am working on loosening up some of those things that had wrapped me so tight. this is more of a reflection on the bodywork session i had tonight. its integrated massage, not rhinoplasty, so dont’ worry. we talked about work, life, exciting new accomplishments i’m making on the “living my dreams” front- i found an apartment for less rent in the area of town in which i wish to live. i am having dinner with the potential new roommates tomorrow night- and the conversation stuck there on the fact that my wishes, my dreams, my prayers are more powerful then i know. i get stuck on one of the three fears: fear of trust, fear of inadequacy, and fear of…well, i can’t remember the third, which tells me maybe it was far and away not pertinent to me. i’m tuck on teh fear of inadequacy- that i will not measure up, which stymies my growth and complicates most relationships i have with others. my new medicine is this meditation: i am enough. it will run in the background of my consciouness and become my rehtym.
We also talked about anger. she gave me a pillow and asked m e to scream into it, just scream my frustrations and say all the things that i’ve wanted to say. I ended up talking very sternly to my principal, asking her for help and questioning “what are we doing here” which i know the answer to: we’re starting a revolution. I couldn’t scream though. she had to give me an example, at which i responded, ‘i can’t do that.” because i can’t. experiencing emotion is like suffocating. it fills my heart to the point of bursting, and i don’t want it to burst. i don’t want to burst and lose control, and in socityies/my mohther’s twisted way, i don’t like to cry…so i don’t. i tried my best. i tried to yell at my mother and my dad. i have unresolved issues that i cannot find a voice for outside of my body work sessions, but she encouraged me to find a voice and to put a voice to my history.