plowing right through


I’m actively avoiding addiction and anxiety. Okay, not really avoiding anxiety. Its making a mess of my life and my piece of mind. Moving, applying to grad school, working, hanging out with friends, trying to be normal–its all becoming too much. Like a giant is sitting on my chest. The priest for today’s Mass ( i wish i could remember his name) mentioned today that the Lord protects us from anxiety, so you know that was a large part of my prayers today. I’m used to having exercise be a part of my anxiety relief process, but now, even when I leave the gym I am still filled with anxiety. The tension just rebuilds, while as I’m working out it dissipates, giving me this false sense of relief. I’ve decided to avoid buying alcohol or juice so that I don’t do something foolish like self medicate. I had two bowls of chili for dinner- I cooked a large part last night- and I need to be as deliberate with not self medicating with food as I’m trying to be about not self medicating with alcohol or drugs. Seriously, I had the thought earlier today of, “I bet crack would be great right now” then I immediately had a memory of my cousin, who was- possibly still is- addicted to crack and a desperate phone call she made to me during my freshman year. She’d relapsed and spent, like, three weeks holed up in a crack house, away from her family, away from her husband, away from her children, having a gun put in her face. I’ll totally be damned if that’s how my life goes…but I can see how easy it would be to start down that path. I feel like I’m just holding my head above water with a very controlled tread. I’ve decided that instead of allowing the anxiety to control me, I will control it. I will plow through my responsibilities head on. I will do what makes me feel right and what gets things taken care of instead of wasting time lamenting about how stressed out I am. I just need to get ‘r done. and luckily i have amazing friends and support to help me do those things. So I’m off to pack, clean, study well into the night. Then tomorrow I will do it all over again. Hugs!


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