this old house


i woke up this morning at 4:45am.   when i first wake up, no matter what day or what time, it takes me forever to transition from not sleeping to awake.  So, i guess the first time i noticed i was not sleeping it was 4:45 am.  I turned on my radio around 5:15am, and listened to KCRW’s early morning jazz, trying to not be awake but seriously unable to sleep.  i hate being rocked out of sleep by thoughts of work and all of the things that i must do before the end of the school year.  This is how i figure it…if I’m not being paid to work (which I won’t be from July 25th to August 25th) I’m not working….so I better do it now.  Except, I’m not going to do it now.  Not today.  I’ve made that executive decision.  Its not going to happen.  Not any extra work at least.  I have work that I didn’t finish yesterday that shall be finished sometime this weekend, but I am not driving into work.  If i can help it, I will try not to drive today at all.  Today will be my day with my house.

My apartment i large enough to be a small house.  I’m sure some of my students live in houses this large. The living room/dining room areas have dark hardwood floors.  There are two walk in closets, both cedar lined, and window lined walls that allow sunlight to just pour into every room.  Its like the house of my dreams.  DREAMS.  I’m so tempted to just start making repairs.  there aer a few things that I would totally repair if I owned this place (the drawers in the kitchen have worn away their wood so they slope and stick; the window in my room has a small gap and one is painted shut) but I’m not going to stress about it.   Its helping me manage my anxiety–a tad.  I clean the kitchen in order to have an area of control that is sans children or an administrator.  It makes me feel like I am really creating an area for living.

My room is a whole different story.  I’ve unpacked most of my clothes…and I did a load of laundry…then poured it on my floor and walked away.  I can’t bring myself to tackle what I’m going to do with all of this stuff.  Its not even the stuff I want to donate.  These are things that I really want to do things with!  I just can’t bring myself to do it.  I think it will require a little bit of alcohol. What’s that about?  Its my plan for today. I’ve just got to get to it.  I’m having anxiety about design and what to do with the space.  I had a similar difficulty with my last apartment before it just hit me.

I just got way distracted by my own calendar.  I’ve got to get up and get ready for pilates.  My yoga studio is maybe 10 blocks away from where I live, so I’m going to walk over for an early morning pilates session.  I love this neighborhood.  I love that  I started “living” down here a full month before I moved here.  My  church is here.  My yoga studio is here.  My friends are here.  Its great.  I’m really glad that I didn’t wait to move in August.  I’m super happy.  Even driving to work is so much better.  I can feel the change in my body and my spirit as I drive.  I still get super annoyed at the fact that I’m at work, but I’m working that out.

Pictures to come.


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