I’ve pigged out. I’ve been grazing all afternoon. I finished off my quart of Marble Mint Fudge Soycream mixed with Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies. AMAZING, just as I knew it would be. I am not anywhere I need to be for preparing for Seattle. I haven’t packed a lick. All I’ve done is bought the snacks I will need for the train. Two apples (cored, sliced, and chopped), honey nut smooth peanut butter, 4 bananas, and a box of oat and honey granola bars. God, I love peanut butter. I think I had 3 tablespoons this afternoon. I’m trying to pick the correct foods for grazing on the train. A girls gotta look good at all times. And I’m a little odd. I like to eat. I can’t help it. So, I’m trying to control the things that are in my vicinity that may go in my mouth. I’m leaving for Seattle in the morning, so I really had no choice but to eat the rest of the soycream…I couldn’t just let it spoil. 😉
I am continuing to have on going epiphanies about my consciousness and control in my life. I guess that’s what happens when you grow up and are having different experiences, taking different chances, making different choices, evaluating things in a different light. there is this painful, or at leas strong push, to do things differently because very time i try to do things the way it used to be…it feels painful. Or at least it becomes abundantly clear that things are different, odd, unusual, uncomfortable. Even just talking with friends feels different. There is this question of what are we talking about? Is this substantive? Am I bringing anything into this? What is this? What the fuck? Now the challenge is manipulating reality constantly. Is that the definition of living? I guess the talent is to do so without over thinking reality.
Challenge: Stop thinking so much, keep living. Live even more. Live so much it makes you motion sick. Live so much it makes you vomit. I keep trying to push myself sans alcohol. Being fabulous without a crutch.
Be more vulnerable, be more trusting
i’m excited about my trip for tomorrow, though at this moment i’m a tad bit more excited about project runway season 1 finale rerun. I still haven’t packed. can you tell…i’m still sitting here. Goodness. I’m more concerned with how I am going to design my room and actually crate a living space that is mine, not just some box in which i live. can you tell that project runway is infecting my soul. My room is a mess. I am completely full of soy cream. goodness.