just like a star


I like that I am blogging from my phone instead of reading. Its like I am taking every available moment to relax before the school year begins. Not like I don’t have a meeting tomorrow. Not like I didn’t have meetings all last week, two this week so far and a retreat on Friday and Saturday. Not like that at all. I will”start”on Monday. After I get my massage with Denise. I am in a courtyard adjacent to LMU’s University building. I never knew this was here. I am having my umpteenth meeting with Dr. Graf about this fall. I just received an email confirming my new support provider,and have talked to admissions in regards to a missing evaluation for, so I am further along then I was this morning. S is in San Jose giving a presentation that everyone will/did surely love. We went to his friend’s birthday party Sunday evening.I am horrible with meeting new people. I come off as great at it, but really, I am often racked (spelling? Usage?) with anxiety about whether or not I will be approved. Like it really matters. It doesn’t. It woulf be much better if I liked me more, which I think dating S will help me to achieve whether I want to or not. I should sayN whether I am putting the effort in or not. He believes in who I am and who I have the potential to be, ansd for some reason, I don’t want to let him down. Not that I have ever wanted to let any of you down, its just that suddenly I feel all of these emotions, and sometimes I feel incredibly down and I think it partly comes from realizing that I have managed to acquire a lot of the things that I said I wanted to acquire (new apartment, caring boyfirend, exposure to more art) but feel oddly unhappy and uncertain sometimes. Not unhappy, but a malaise that. I should be moving, not sitting, acting, not being passive. I need a hobby outside of work and school. I told s that as soon as I get my first paycheck I am going to get one. I need to be doing something at which I am challenged but can develop skill and talent. Something where people, and myslef, will notice and say, “wow.”. I think this is a dramatic improvement from not wanting to be seen at all. I’m just sayin. That is where I sm at right now. Dragging myself out of the malaise one day at a time. I want it to be gone before S returns.


One response »

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s