Week 4…down

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I think it was either the beginning of this week or the end of last (really, what’s the difference) when denise and I realized that there is certainly a different “feel” in the air.  The children seem different from last year.  Sadly, Friday isn’t going much different from last year.  i was headed to burbank- from Watts- and didn’t even make it down town before turning around.  There was a $30 chocolate tasting, it would have cost me half a gas tank to get there, and I only have $92 in the bank after countless trips to the grocery and paying my bills.  Plus, I am now surrounded by a mountain of work.  I am in a much better place this week then I was last week.  last week I felt like I hadn’t seen Sean very much (which I have this week) and I’d been burning through my energy, so I was exhausted and deprived.  Or at least felt that way.  He takes good care of me, so I can’t complain.  we had an relational break through this morning: he wants me to be more expressive.  He doesn’t want me to hold back, but to just be “free.”   I’d been having that thought for a while, especially as I curb the compulsory apologizing.  It old him that its like my relationship with the church, I keep hoping that if i do the right things, he’ll care about me as much as I care about him.   I know this isn’t the case.   That by being me, that letting my light shine, by playing big will serve the world, and best serve myself.  It was getting late, and he put his arms around me, and said “You better go.  There are people in the world waiting for you… and I love that.”  It made smile.  He came down tonight on his way out to a birthday party in a cable knit crew neck sweater with a polo shirt beneath it.  It made me giggle, and i told him that he looked like Mr. Rogers.  Because he did.

I should get back to work.  I want to have a good amount done before Sean gets home so that I can at lest spend part of my friday night having a good time.

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