i am going to the gym in an hour and 15 minutes. Its 345am. I couldn’t sleep past 3:23am though I went to sleep around midnight. i woke up with my mind racing and all anxious. i was waiting for tihs…but its different then I thought. i think this particular type of anxiety is how i manifest stress. i am anxious-again- about the quality of my life. this time i am anxious about why it is that i cannot seem to just be really happy that things are going really right right now. No, seriously. this is what i woke up thinking about. Why is it that I think its odd that I like my job? why is it that i think that i totally shouldn’t like my job and should undervalue it becuase its not something else? why is it htat i can’t simply be happy about the fact that i may be inlove with my boyfriend? and that that is okay? and that i really should be going to confession for really liking the thigns we do together? when did catholic guilt set in????? why am i so anxious about hte possiblity that his will all change instead of really enjoying the moment? what the fuck. its like my mind is totally messed up. i woke up and it just seemed to all be sitting on my chest, and i tried to meditate befor efianlly getting up, grabbving my laptop and checking my emails.
I’ve come to this realization: i think this is what happens when i have a lot going on at work. For the few weeks i’ve been documenting how my work load has been amped up. i’ve been noticing this last couple days that I don’t seem to be having any physical response to this increase in work load. I’m not carring the stress anywhere in my muscles..because apparently its manifesting itself in my chest and my brain- which, I guess, would be physical responses! Also that the blood chemical change I feel when i think about Sean or see sean is also a physical response to that type of stress. And that I’m intellectualizing all of this to not really deal with the fact that i have huge anxiety over the future and how it will change and turn to dust…instead of just enjoying the now. Just because I can figure it out doesn’t mean that I am dealing with it. I’ve been trying to work things out with Denise’s odl therapist, but she only has appointments in the mornings. I called her hoping that i can get some space on a weekend morning, but that is highly unlikely. In all honesty, its about changing the way i think about myself, my worth, the value i place on myself and the things I do. I need a therapist who will a) really give me the strategies for making these mental changes, b)hold me accountable and c) frequently remind me that this change I want to see in myself will take time…and that the changes that happen in that time are okay. And someone who will remind me that there is no “doing it right”…its okay to mess up and make mistakes. that by messing up and making mistakes I am “do ing it right.” I need to change the way i think about:
– my value as a person and a friend (I get stuck here. Denise says that I should do affirmations. Say to myself at least three times a day an affirmation until it sticks in me. I’ve done this before, and the reason people suggest it is because it works…whenyou do it, it feels funny because its resonating in you somehow. its moving something and changing something. and if you do it long enough, its bound to stick. Its when you don’t do it because of fear that “this is what crazy people do” or that “someone will think I’m nuts”-I don’t know who hears you in the morning while you’re in the bathroom- roommates? boyfriends? husbands? kids? cats? neighbors?–that we let our perceptions about how others think weigh us down. Its okay to do things that validate yourself. I think when you free up room in yourself to give yourself validation then you’re more able to take in the validation of others.
– my career ( did you know there are people who have known what they wanted to do for most of their lives? there are people who’ve known that they would be teachers since they were like 8? i have to stop thinking htat I just “fell” into this career. If I’d just fallen then I would have picked myself up by now and walked away. I’ve made the active choice to stay, not because I don’t know what else I’d do with myself- i can easily go back to school or take up another trade if i had any idea of what that would look like- but because every year I get better at my job, and every year I am excited about what I will have learned by the end of that year. Those are not the thoughts and feelings of someone who just “fell” into teaching.)
– my future ( i am going to mass each week, which is permeating through the rest of my week. i think that if i keep it up, and set time aside ot mediate on God and the homily throughout the week that i will have better trust in the fact that my destiny is ultimately already taken care of and that the end of the story will be AMAZING. my ultimate job is to enjoy the process of getting there and becoming a better human and a better vessel to be fillled with God’s love. that instantly makes me feel better. i create that process in the choices i make and the vision of my future that I create. That’s an excellent activity for my students.)
its 4:21am now. I feel tremendously better…goodness, I certainly am hyperbolic aren’t i? I feel better. I am goign to try to be less hyperbolic and more genuine. I am glad that I’m not as anxious any more and that I am able to be my own 3am therapist. If I talk to myself the way I’d talk to another person having similar problems I am now at the point where I can talk myself down from my own tree. that’s progress folks. I will print out parts of this and put them up strategically in my room so that I can remember my own strategies and my own game plan. i’d still like someone to hold me accountable to making that happen. the only person i see regularly in my “not work” life is Sean…so its probably important that I see other people regularly. i am going to start dialing back work- in november- and start dialing in family and friends.