pushing air over my lips


Sean has mandated that I embark on an activity that will get my mind off work.  We had a long talk because I had a hard day, and was left feeling like I wasn’t doing enough.  He’s a great listener, and a great boyfriend.  He rubbed my shoulders and concernedly suggested that this job was going to cause me to disappear and that it might be best to find away to do something else for a little while.  Goodness. I’ve had that thought a 1000 times, but not this year.  This year it started to feel like I was getting it, but really its just consuming me.  I need to be able to detach with love.  Emotionally disconnect from my students and their incredible need for something more then what they are getting….I’m supposed to be detaching, so enough about work.

And school.  Honestly, its the second thing I’m always thinking about.  Taking two classes is quite time consuming.  I need something else because really, I am not developing beyond being “strong, beautiful, and smart” (his descriptors, not mine) and honestly, I’m wasting away.  I am taking the 13th off in order to see various doctors all over Los Angeles.  I am going to talk to Dr. Witherspoon about this because the only progress I’ve made this year in comparison to last is that I have a boyfriend I’m in love with, not a personal life or hobby with which I am fulfilled.  Goodness…i don’t think i know how to do anything but work and take care of people. So….here we go again.  We’ve been down this road.  i’m sure i can link to other entries with this same topic and lack of progress.  

Others in my life:  My car crapped out on saturday.  I got into it, put the key in the ignition, and it stuttered every time I tried to give it a start.  So, Sean was kind enough to drive me to work to pick up my work, then I called AAA to haul my car to the dealership (the closest spot i could think of) and plop a new battery into it, as well as give it an oil change.  Turns out I also needed a bunch of other things, but I stopped them at replacing the front engine plate, gave them 482 dollars and drove away.  I took myself up to glendale to go to Sears and have them fix the same problem they fixed two years ago.  My car is soooo quiet now, and it cost me less then half of what honda wanted to charge me. Suck it Honda…Sears Auto is my new old mechanic.  Sean works around the corner from the Sears so we met up (I was up there for three hours) and had dinner afterwards.  He really is a good boyfriend.  I must do something amazingly special for him…soon.  We had a conversation on Sunday night about space and the amount of time we spend together.  He’d woken up a little irritated and wasn’t at all irritating to me, but I’d noticed he’d said something and asked him about it later that evening.  We talked about each of us having our own space and a place to go to be alone, and how he didn’t feel like he could tell me no because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.  I stressed to him that we should talk and find some common ground, and had a really good conversation.  He doesn’t want to have to tell me to leave, so I assured him that I am trying to be cognizant of when I’ve felt like I’ve overstayed or that I want to get away, but if he felt like he couldn’t say something he could just kiss me on the forehead.  He balked at that because he likes kissing me on the forehead. He’s sweet.  So we had dinner last night, we talked for about 20 minutes tonight, and tomorrow I’m sure I’ll just check in.  He works until 8 at night, and doesn’t get home until 8:30 (because he doesn’t go in until 10:30, 11) so i totally get needing that time to unwind and relax.  Some nights, by the time he gets home I’ve been unwinding or at least at home for two hours or more.  we’re both just trying to be better for each other, which i appreciate.  Saturday night after I got my car back  I went to watch him DJ at  Cannibal Flower.  Afterwards we had a great time with his mentor/good friend and the Cannibal Flower crew. It was nice to hang out with him and his friends. Really cool. He likes my friends as well….well, he likes Maggie and Amanda (and their men) because they mean a lot to me…and they rock.  Goodness its getting late, and I still haven’t unwound by  listening to Agatha Christie.  Thanks for letting me be random.  

ps.  being around teenagers is causing my brain to rot.  save me.


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