slumdog millionaire

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Sean and I went to see Slumdog Millionaire tonight.  I agree with the masses, it was a great film.  It reminded me of City of God.  So good.  Today was the last day of a very trying week…and it didn’t make it any easier.  I went to work at 10am and stayed until 12:30pm writing an IEP.  Its the only amount of time I plan on dedicating to getting that done this weekend.  The rest will have to wait until monday.  perhaps i will wake up early and go to work early so that I can finish it.  i’m not all that invested.  what i am invested in is the experience i had with sean today.  i’ve spent the entire afternoon digesting it.  at 3 we went to speak to his therapist together.  last night he told me that she’d like to meet me, and it didn’t occur to me until this afternoon to ask him the reason.  he said she had some questions, and i immediately felt like i should have my union rep present to make sure my best interests were being upheld.  we ended up having a session together becuase this incredibly overwhelming and difficult week for me has also been causing a lot of stress for sean.  Sharing with Sean that I had to call CPS because a student reported that she fears her father, that I had to take another student to get a sonogram, and I didn’t even tell him about how we had to call the PET team to take away a student for psychiatric evaluation, has been triggering a lot of stress and emotions that are linked to his own experiences in life.  In short, he’s very empathetic and also easily emotionally effected by how these things effect me….so, the details of the stressors of my work are no longer something that we can talk about.  goodness.  it was a fairly smooth session. i’m fairly adept at being able to answer questions about myself and my relationship and my family and how it all may effect who i am and where i a headed.  i’m also very aware of my own issues and can articulate those issues—blogging has given me enough practice—it just feels, and i told him and his therapist this, that its another thing that i can’t do with him.  another way that i can’t be expressive.  while i completely understand that it is impacting his mental health negatively, and i don’t want to do anything that does that, it feels like i’ve lost someone i can go to.  he said it made him feel helpless to not be able to change things for me, and to also not have anything positive happening in my life.  which, i later told him, just stresses me out because i am very aware that the only thing that i have going on in my life is work and school, and that i should have more going on in my life, but i don’t.  and that it stresses me out that it stresses him out.  i don’t like that i haven’t been able to get passed this social block.  and I don’t like that i am incapable of going to my friends or coworkers with what stresses me out.  i feel like i can’t speak…i have no words…and often times i just hear their words and don’t even have the space or wherewithal to respond.  we drove around for like 30 minutes after the session to get to lunch, and i sent him inside while i sat in the car and called my mom and cried.  i started to tear up in the session, and his therapist responsed which just shut me down because then i felt pitied which is something i’m not going for at all ever.  he wants me to be able to be more then just this job that sucks the life out of me becuase teachers give a lot of themselves.  which is fine.  he really cares about me.  i’ve been processing this the entire afternoon and evening.  it took me talking to my mom to be able to snap out of it.  she reminded me that i’ve always been like this, not able to ask much of others and really self critical and a perfectionist to the point of self denial and deprecation.   she also reminded me of something that just hurts me: my boyfriend cannot be my bestfriend.  so even though we’ve had a good evening, and he’s been really affectionate and loving, and I’m sure all of this is for my own good because I am more then my job but i’ve just not developed that yet, and even thogh i’m typing this on his computer and he’s watching me type and i can feel the love he can’t speak of radiating from him……………  i feel so lonely.

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