It is the Saturday before Halloween so all of the TV channels are showing TV audience appropriate versions of horror movies. No, thank you. I am very glad to lead a life that is free of cheap thrills and terror. Instead I am watching an episode of Ghost Whisperer and listening to my washing machine do its thing. Melinda’s dilemma with seeing the dead is about as much as I can handle.
My weekends are much like my weekdays except I know that the car is parked out front and that Sean is asleep in bed. So most of the time its just me, myself and I. Even when I go out its just me. I am still getting used to this life, as great as it is. Every day of my life I have been surrounded by people who want or need my attention. Suddenly I’m alone, for the most part (sans Tuesday night ballet) at least four days a week. Last night I was desperate to leave the house though I’d spent time riding to and from places (staples and a lunch spot on main street). I am trying to balance the difficulty of not spending extra money and not wanting to stare at these walls all hours of the day. My anxiety about money is something that I am definitely trying to get over. Sean tells me not to worry. I try not to. Instead, I am going to balance my time with things that are different. I’m looking into volunteer things within my neighborhood. The organizations that provide the most help are often in the areas that give me the willies. I think its because I don’t have a car. I have no problems being in Watts or Highland Park but I’ve always been with my car. Not in my car, but with it as in it is within reach. When things get hot, I can drive away. When guys catcall, the likelihood that they will follow you increases when the protective layer of fiberglass, upholstery, and rubber is missing. I’m not being ridiculous, I’m just being realistic to who I am and how I feel. The organization I found that is in our neighborhood is tangential to an area where guys and grown men in long white t-shirts stand around the perimeter of a park, “playing fort” as Sean would say. [Full Disclosure: myself and friends have worked in high schools where the wearing of big white t-shirts is prohibited because of its proclivity to be gang attire.] Young and grown people are not usually an area of anxiety for me… but its different when you know them, they know you, and you’re apart of a shared safe space, i.e. a school. I get the willies about my neighbors from time to time. I blame that on social anxiety. I know my nervous tension about this area of our neighborhood comes from a real place and a real experience. I’m going to keep looking for events and organizations that I can possibly get involved with.
The Urban Craft Center is having a sale on their year long membership. I’m going to get one. I still have yoga “tickets” to use. I can go to Starbucks.
I am lacking a complete motivation to get in the groove. I need to make it like a “must” thing, something that will give me a boost of momentum. My wanting to get to my ideal weight and stay there before we even think of having babies is just not enough. I’ll think of something. Or at least I’ll go on the Internet to find something out.
So, this is what I will be thinking about until Sean wakes up. Happy haunting loves.