learning about myself

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February has been a month for blogging less about dinner and more about fitness.  I’ve been leaving small blurbs on my sparknotes blog because it feels embarrassing to leave blurbs about my fitness journey here.  I’ve decided to get over that and just go with it.  Its my blog…I’ll write about what I want.    I’ve been doing a lot of yoga and I’ve committed myself to using sparkpeople just to see what happens in the end.  What does it look like when you commit yourself to yourself?  I’m not dieting.  I am still cooking, though not anything new and spectacular lately.  I just keep pulling from my bag of tricks (ie old entries) and that totally keeps us fed and healthy.  Sean is literally morphing into a different person becuase of all of the mixed martial arts he  is doing.  Its incredible.  I love that he is doing something he loves.  He works really hard and deserves it.

I’ve been doing a lot of self work since September, but more so these past two months.  I’m trying to commit myself to listening to myself and finding my center.  Its my new goal.  Apart of that is doing what I want, and not what I should. I keep thinking that I should go running….but I do not want to go running.  I went running two weeks ago and while I am in perfectly good shape and it was not painful, I didn’t enjoy it.  I just did it.  I want to do yoga.  I want to get better at yoga.  Even though I also wanted to stay in the house Thursday, I recognized that I cannot get better without the help of a teacher, so I went to class…and then I went to class again on  Friday.

A critical part of doing what I want is recognizing what I want and what it will take to get it.  Sometimes this is in direct conflict with my intent to not feel like I’m floating away from my center.  I recently recognized that I have been mainly controlled by an intense anxiety.  I’ve been working on facing it and how its influenced my life and choices and thinking, and in doing so  I am deconstructing myself.  Its really a lot of work on self reflection, choosing, and moving.  Someone mentioned that it was akin to being in recovery.  Sometimes you move backwards, sometimes you move forward, sometimes you stay where you are…where ever you are is where you need to be to get better.  I’m trying to live this life.

I am doing yoga more and more.  I actually left the house twice this week to enjoy practice at an actual yoga studio.  I am spoiled living in on the Westside.  I don’t think I could ever move.  I like stumbling out of my house and being at my destination two and a half songs later.  I like that I can think of five yoga studios…four of which are on the same stretch of road.  When I want to go…I can go anywhere at anytime.  I just have to want to go.

Most days it takes me 45 minutes or more to decide that I am actually going to leave my house.  Some days I do it.  Other days, I open all of the blinds and wander as far as my backyard.  I can’t tell yet if the amount of anxiety is worth the benefit.  That’s part of the argument that goes on in my head as I try to decide whether I’ll practice at home or not.  I’m actually having this “argument” as I type.  I’ve got a lot to figure out today!  I will let you know how it goes.

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