I have abandoned my house for a coffee shop down the hill in order to study. Here is the deal…I’m supposed to be studying for classes that I now think won’t help me at all in my endeavors. I don’t want to be a computer programmer. šŸ˜¦ Yes, I acknowledge that 95% of this statement is inspired by the fact that I”m doing the reading for an intro to computers survey course (yes, I know what the internet is. Yes, I know that its different from the world wide web. ugh). Its good that I’ve at least realized that. Its bad because I, once again, don’t know what I want to do with my career. I know exactly what I want to do with my life other than that, so you know its not all bad, but I like having a plan. I like knowing where I am going and why I am going there- it all gives me a sense of control, my ultimate defense mechanism. My husband and my therapist have given me amazing advice which I will follow: a) do not act from a place of fear of some toxic, unknown future. My fears are usually not my own but fears that I’ve adopted through the experiences of others- others who did not have the bag of tricks that I have (an education and the freedom to take risks) when they were my age. b) notice what things in my day make me enthusiastic about being alive and awake. In these things I will find the components needed for narrowing down my vision. c)be open to seeing things differently. For example, do not beat myself up that four weeks in to the semester I am not 100% interested in my studies. While they are interesting, this isn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t have known that had I not tried. It still makes my stomach turn to think of the money I spent on tuition and books, so I’m not going to drop the classes. Its not like I can enroll in something else. Actually, this makes me think of Steve Jobs (for this survey class, we had to watch his commencement speech at Stanford) who dropped out of college (he felt like he was wasting his parents money by attending a really expensive private school and wasting time on things he did not like). Dropping out allowed him to take classes that actually interested him- like calligraphy- which inspired him to put different typefaces into Apple (which is why we have groovy fonts). Moral: things happen for a reason that we will not understand until much later in life. This inspires me the way that yoga is currently inspiring me: I will be much happier if I am open to the process -observing it, practicing it, embracing it- and just wait to see what happens instead of trying to control it. The changes will be small and it will take time…but it will all matter much more in the long run. So, moral for this moment: I will see my trip to the coffee shop not as an opportunity to enjoy a great chai latte and a croissant (and NOT a slice of the double chocolate cake), but as an opportunity to be open to what I may learn from my studies.


6 responses »

  1. Seems like we have a bit in common… I abandon my house to work-from-home from somewhere else all the time. šŸ™‚

    Thanks for the kind words on my blog, and btw, your husband and therapist are totally right.

  2. Candace, you’ve inspired me and given me the boost I need. I’ve decided to go back to school at 48. I want a degree in Political Science, at least that’s what I’m leaning towards now. I’m scared to death, but your post made me realize that it can be done and I don’t have to be 100% sure of what I want out of it all yet.

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