One Saturday Morning

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Saturday mornings (and afternoons) always feel different from other days of the week.  Like those days, Sean vacates the house for several hours and I am left to my own devices.  Somehow Saturday always feels different. It feels like the pressure of the week is alleviated somehow, as if I can tackle what is really important: myself.  My house is completley clean (took caer of that yesterday), most of my homework is complete (I’ll finish the rest tomorrow), and well, I stumbled upon the fact that TNT shows movies all day on Saturday.  How wonderful.  How comfortable, like a warm pair of slippers.   I haven’t worn slippers in forever (I hate having cold feet).   I haven’t watched a Saturday morning movie in forever.  This feels very comfortable to me.

It is really nice to be able to watch TV and not have this longing/anxiety/sadness/emotional level of connection with what I am watching. Honestly, until about 3 years ago it felt like I wasn’t living a life that measured up to the images that filled my head for ever about life, friendship, fulfillment.  My perception was blurred.  I couldn’t focus in on my own life.  I was aching for something different then 23 years in Washington, 4 years in Los Angeles had given me.  Or at least something different from what I thought 27 years of my life had given me.  Its so interesting how much one can grow when given the chance….when they give themselves the chance.

I am so blessed to have great friends.  These last three weeks have been really, really rough.  Really rough.  Little earthquakes rough. Its just finally began to settle down and smooth out, though the residual waves (aftershocks?)  are still present and motivating.  The second week was the hardest and just when I needed it, Shals reminded me to take in the sun  My friend Denise reminded me of the many ways I have given myself the chance to change my perception, how I’ve challenged myself, and each time the result has been for the better.  Here’s a little breakdown to bring you up to speed:

Fall of 2006- I moved out of the apartment I’d shared with my roommate and with very little money I moved into a studio in on the corner of Mariposa and Sunset in  Los Armenwood (Los Feliz/Little Armenia/Hollywood).   This put me in such a scared, broke place!  I was over my credit limit on my Visa, had $32 in my checking account, and LAUSD was threatening to strike.  When offered the chance to jump ship and start a charter school, I took it.

Fall of 2007- Started charter school with a great group of people who’d go on to be overworked and run over.

June 2008-  In the spring Denise took me on a drive through Lemiert Park/Baldwin Hills/LaDera Heights-  I totally fell in love with it.  I met a teacher at a professional development who lived down there and wanted to move…so I decided to leave my studio behind and to move in with 2 younger teachers so that I could live in the most awesome community that I’ve ever lived in.  I met my future husband this  same month.

July 2009- moved in with Sean even though we’d only been dating for a year.  This is a big deal for me.

June 2010- ended my teaching career and left the charter school in order to save myself.  Sean and I made the decision that I wouldn’t return to teaching or work this year.  That I’d take the time to do what I never did: figure me out.  I made a pretty good living teaching.  Me not working means that we lost a half of our income.  It means that I spent months learning to trust that Sean could take care of us.  Even in these last few weeks, I haven’t lost faith in the fact that Sean has taken care of us and will take care of us.

Perception.  I am so glad I took the time off.  It hasn’t been as much of a break as it has been a life saving choice.   It feels like a fog has been lifted from my whole being, not just my eyes.  Every neuron in my body is changing, shedding old “skin”, clearing up.    Its interesting what I can now see.  I feel more comfortable in me.  Today and tomorrow are all I need to see.  And even when its rough, its all I need to see.

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