I started writing last night but then I lost the energy to do so. I woke up this morning and realized that I had slept through my alarm (again) and missed am yoga. I am all over the place with fitness these days. Its definitely been happening, I just lose a grip on perspective from time to time and that shakes up everything. Ever so often I find myself circling the same bunch of questions and the same answers until I become settled with my truth:
- it is possible to be healthy at any size and at every size.
- i am healthy at my size.
- my size is perfectly alright.
- healthy means moving consistently.
- moving consistently means doing something I like.
- No matter how much I picture myself jogging, I don’t really like jogging- not one bit. I find it boring.
- I only really like yoga, dancing and aerobics.
- I don’t have to spend money to dance, to do aerobics or do yoga.
- the world and my life are not just going to come to me. I have to meet it at least half way.
I get stuck and overwhelmed in trying to figure out how I can make myself move in ways that I like. I’ve noticed a definite change in my thinking. I was looking on line and felt a recognizable tugging at my heart when an image popped up on my screen. I can’t remember what the image was, but I recognized the tugging feeling as being the same one I would feel when I look at items that “will change my life”, things I truly covet. For a long time I really felt as if having the right clothes/hair/shoes/makeup would suddenly transport me to the life I was supposed to be living. this feeling would stretch on for weeks. I can’t remember the last time I felt that way. Maybe it was before I met Sean. Maybe it was before I started making changes to sculpt a life that I could recognize as mine. Maybe it was in February. I don’t remember. March was really eye opening for Sean and I. It really opened us up to the fact that as long as we have each other, then that’s really all we need. Everything else is essential and a strong want, but each other is all we really need. That totally put that longing into check. Also, being budget conscious (re: a housewife and student) means that I don’t spend nearly as much time entertaining the life changing qualities of a new sweater from Banana Republic or the amazing properties of Aragan Oil (though last friday, aragan oil got A LOT of my attention. Conclusion: other essential oils will work just fine for my skin and are much cheaper). Buying that sweater means I’d be giving up funds to spend time with friends, to put towards my student loans, to spend on a container of goat cheese that I’ll probably only eat a third of before it starts to grow fuzz. I’d rather increase the quality of my life right now through experiences, not stuff. Don’t get me wrong, when there are things I want (like moisturizer because I am out and I don’t want to wear anything with synthetics in it) I can buy them. After spending much of Friday researching aragan oil, as well as natural skin care products that I could make myself (skinactives.com) or that wouldn’t cost an arm and a leg, a friend suggested a site that has amazingly reasonably priced all natural products. My skin and hair have really responded from the natural methods that I’ve used these last six months, so why stop now? Also, $88 for a moisturizer to help my hyperpigmentation is ridiculous and highway robbery. Also its a lie! My skin will renew itself over time as long as I keep it moisturized. With any moisturizer. The dark spots eventually go away, with or without an $88 treatment. I could also STOP picking at my skin. That would help too.
Sooooo…back on the ranch. I sent out eight cover letters and resumes yesterday to individual non profits in LA for administrative assistant/entry level positions, and four resumes for temp/staffing/recruiting agencies. It begins. It begins.