my old habits are sneaking up on me. my brain keeps lying to me. i keep eating when I’m not hungry. I keep falling for the triggers of images of how I “should” look and what I “should” be doing. I haven’t been able to write or read. I keep recoiling from my awesomeness and hear the whispers of “you shouldn’t be so proud” in my ear. I can’t speak and share, though my whole processing group is about doing that: sharing honestly about myself even when it is difficult. I haven’t been on my mat since Thursday. Last night my head kept spinning and I couldn’t sleep without reciting the Lord’s prayer or counting in my head for what seemed like forever. I am spinning…or at least my head is spinning.
I’m slowly reconciling my old habits with reality. I am the expert of my own body. Even though my pilates teacher and exercise magazines say one thing, I know that yoga is what is going to strengthen my heart, my resilience, my body and mind. Its what works for me and if I allow myself to embrace that, it will continue to work for me. Having to keep track of my foods and exercise for the sake of someone other then myself triggers in my my need to make the grade, even though that doesn’t fit my life. Or my perception of my life. Today, I ate two and a half slices of banana bread throughout the day…and it was amazing. Yesterday I made my self sick on baked good…that did not feel amazing. You live and you learn.
I am awesome. I am totally awesome. I graduated from Impact Personal Safety’s women’s basics self defense course and kicked ass successfully. Literally, not figuratively, I kicked ass 3 times in front of the audience to show them that a woman…this woman, can defend her life. As soon as I get the video you will see it!
Sean was super impressed. Its all I wanted to talk about yesterday and all he wanted to hear about, and each time I opened my mouth my brain would tell me to “STOP, shut up, don’t be so proud.” I couldn’t sleep last night because every time I closed my eyes I could see everyone’s face and what was serious pride in what I accomplished, and I kept trying to push that away because I shouldn’t be so awesome. That mindset is still leaking into my brain tonight. This is something I’ll definitely talk to Elana about. Because, honestly, this course has been the most awesome six sundays of my life. Graduation was awesome. and I am awesome. I’m just struggling reconciling that.
It is 10:47pm and I am going to head to bed in the next 10 minutes because there is nothing that is going to keep me from waking up early and doing my yoga. I need it like water right now. Actually, I do need water right now. Here’s a toast to trying to be a little more honest with myself.
* An asterick is the lead image because I wanted to talk about the “no lies, just love” tattoos that kept popping up when I typed in “no lies”. Um…what? Apparently I missed this meme. Was this a slogan to something? I’m not going to judge, I just want to know why.