people, in black and white, out of focus

I started crying in the  middle of eating lunch today.

Time: 1:35pm

Watching: the end of Closed Case

Reading: Finished skimming a post on No Diet Day (which is today)

Tasting: warm salmon, spinach, whole wheat pasta…but mostly salmon.

Smelling: Salmon

Thinking: “I can’t eat any more of this (in exasperation) I can just put in my counter half of each ingredient”

Result: tears.  Almost sobs.    I felt sick.  I had to close the browser page.  I thought i was going to vomit, but instead it was just a small sob.  I can’t do this.

I had a deep conversation today with Elana about my obsessive thoughts and the ways they  manifest in “soothing” behavior.  I told her about the obsessive thoughts about food, my hair, the way I look, the way my body looks.  I told her about how I am always thinking about one of these things or the other.  Its gotten worse, or at least I am more aware of these obsessive thoughts now because I don’t have external distractions, like work, to keep me from thinking about these things.  They are overwhelming.  I had a mini breakdown on Monday night.     It was overwhelming to hear how much my actions are because of my obsessive thoughts, even when i’m not thinking them…granted, even when I’m not aware that I’m thinking them I’m thinking them.  She wants me to me get evaluated for OCD.  She is going to send me the names of two psychiatrists that are very good in her eyes.  I trust her a lot, so I’ll call them and make an appointment.  I haven’t been to my psychiatrist in two years because he moved to Washington DC.  This will be a good check up.   She wants me to talk to the psychiatrist about all of my obsessive thoughts.  I never mentioned them to my  last  psychiatrist because, well, they weren’t at the forefront of my mind.  Work was killing me.  I was anxious about everything and everyone.  General Anxiety Disorder.   I’ve been obsessed with my weight, face, body, hair for my entire life.   When you’re used to it it doesn’t seem like a problem….until it is.  I totally can’t do this anymore.  As soon as I get her email, I’ll set up an appointment.   Maybe then the muscles around my eyes will stop twitching.

Image: ‘Be observed


2 responses »

  1. I find that I’ve been having similar anxiety over work stuff. I just focus on every little mistake or shortcoming and beat myself up over them endlessly. I do this even though most people would probably say I’m performing rather competently and would be surprised to hear that my brain keeps me up at night worrying about work.

    Just like I’m surprise to hear about you beating yourself up over physical imperfections when you are obviously SO beautiful to everyone who meets you. Remember when that stranger who worked at the MAC counter at the Grove just has to walk up and tell you so?!

    A quick-fix for me is 2.5 glasses of wine, which takes the edge off almost all forms of anxiety. Of course, that’s probably not a sustainable, long-term solution. For that, I think we have to learn to love ourselves more so we focus more of our positive thoughts and ignore more of the negative ones.

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