I started crying in the middle of eating lunch today.
Watching: the end of Closed Case
Reading: Finished skimming a post on No Diet Day (which is today)
Tasting: warm salmon, spinach, whole wheat pasta…but mostly salmon.
Thinking: “I can’t eat any more of this (in exasperation) I can just put in my counter half of each ingredient”
Result: tears. Almost sobs. I felt sick. I had to close the browser page. I thought i was going to vomit, but instead it was just a small sob. I can’t do this.
I had a deep conversation today with Elana about my obsessive thoughts and the ways they manifest in “soothing” behavior. I told her about the obsessive thoughts about food, my hair, the way I look, the way my body looks. I told her about how I am always thinking about one of these things or the other. Its gotten worse, or at least I am more aware of these obsessive thoughts now because I don’t have external distractions, like work, to keep me from thinking about these things. They are overwhelming. I had a mini breakdown on Monday night. It was overwhelming to hear how much my actions are because of my obsessive thoughts, even when i’m not thinking them…granted, even when I’m not aware that I’m thinking them I’m thinking them. She wants me to me get evaluated for OCD. She is going to send me the names of two psychiatrists that are very good in her eyes. I trust her a lot, so I’ll call them and make an appointment. I haven’t been to my psychiatrist in two years because he moved to Washington DC. This will be a good check up. She wants me to talk to the psychiatrist about all of my obsessive thoughts. I never mentioned them to my last psychiatrist because, well, they weren’t at the forefront of my mind. Work was killing me. I was anxious about everything and everyone. General Anxiety Disorder. I’ve been obsessed with my weight, face, body, hair for my entire life. When you’re used to it it doesn’t seem like a problem….until it is. I totally can’t do this anymore. As soon as I get her email, I’ll set up an appointment. Maybe then the muscles around my eyes will stop twitching.
Image: ‘Be observed‘