If i wanted to go to pilates class tonight, I could. I don’t. I didn’t sleep well last night and ended up waking up Sean at 6am to talk. We fell back to sleep around 7, woke up at 10:15 and rushed to get him to work by 10:36…damn, I love that he works so close. I’ve been taking the car and dropping him off because I want to be available if I am needed at work. I like that working forces me to interact with others. For the rest of the day I can be alone, and though Ican get down on myself about isolating myself and blah blah blah, I’m not going to indulge in that bit of torture. I am where I am and that’s where I am.
I took myself out of the house while the dishwasher and the washing machine were going. I had lunch at the Novel Cafe (note: my last meal on death row will be a BLTA on chibatta with dijon. Hold the fries…they’ll be cold anyways) and did a bit of writing and a bit of reading before being called into work for some additional training. (Quick aside: working with little kids in small bursts of time is where its AT! color me satisfied.)
Here is where I am stuck: writing requires an imagination that I haven’t tuned into in a long time. I used to be able to lose myself in my imagination when I was putting in minutes on the elliptical machine or in an aerobics class. I’m practicing doing this so that I can build my writing. I think it will be helpful in other areas of life, especially in the area of being sultry.sul·try/ˈsəltrē/Adjective 1. (of the air or weather) Hot and humid. 2. (of a person, esp. a woman) Attractive in a way that suggests a passionate nature. I don’t really do sultry. Ever. I do “sexy” me, but I don’t do sultry. sexy me/adjective: oneself after a few drinks. I want sultry is to be sober, not messy. Its supposed to be losing yourself in the moment. Its mostly Beyonce’s Sasha Fierce. She transforms into her. Sasha fierce is who see when she’s gettin bodied. Beyonce is who she is when she’s making Jay-Z eggs. Its a persona.
They’re all personas. I think the best part of my self defense class is that it tapped into a part of my brain that I didn’t know that I had. I can protect myself and kick some ass if I need to. I became the vampire slayer/tomb raider/kick ass chick that I always became in 15 minutes into 45 minutes on level 5 of the elliptical. I can’t wait to go back for more. When I remember, I kick my own ass and work towards being strong. I know that a weekend trip to Portland will pique my inner southern girl’s need to shoot at things. In texas and oklahoma, I could learn to wear cowboy boots and ride a horse through vast open plains. My southern girl roots are from arkansas (a place i’ve never been…) but that place just doesn’t have a romantic bone in its state.
The real question is: how do i lose myself, lose the embarrassment, the shyness, the shame, the white knuckled grip on social norms and ideas about decency? I guess, in the words of my self defense instructor Carla, I take a deep breath and just do it. Granted we practiced kicking ass and setting boundaries a lot. I’ll have to practice a lot. You know, for my writing. 😉 Image: ‘Black Boots 40‘