New Attitude


across the chinese countryside

The ultimate Diva wrote an entry that really spoke to me and I was inspired to write an entry after weeks of being away from my blog. I can’t even remember the last time I wrote, but I can say that I feel like a completely different person since then.  It seriously feels like someone waved a magic wand and I woke up feeling like the person I’ve always wanted to be: me.  No magic wand.  I’m just under the supervision of a new doctor and I am adjusting well to the new regimen I am following.  If you tell me how to live my life for a better life, I will do it.   Granted, it took just a little tweaking to my medication, but still, it counts and I am so glad.  I still need to get into see her again because I know that the tweaking isn’t done yet.  I have two more levels to move through before I am at a therapuetic level.  The old me would be pumped for the future bliss that this therapeutic dose will bring.  Now, I am just good with where I am today.    I like the feeling of being good with today.  Here is what “today” brings (not all on this day, but a summary of what my “todays” look like):

  • Finishing SMC (I’m glad to not have to endure searching for a parking space around the campus)
  • twice weekly pilates (which I some how have to remember to fit in now that its not a twice weekly class at smc)
  • working, working, working
  • learning how to write mysteries (I’m taking an online course)
  • sporadic yoga classes (I’ve had several very in the moment moments of “yes, this is where I want to be”)
  • sporadic zumba-ing in my living room (dancing for free is a type of dancing I can get with)
  • reading, reading, reading.

Here is the coolest thing I’ve noticed lately: whenever I’ve been reading books or websites about fitness or body image there is a certain checklist that comes up.  It always involves the following:

  • you’ve tried every diet
  • you’ve lost weight in the past, only to gain it right back.
  • you have a closet full of clothes you can’t fit in to but keep because you hope to fit in to them.
  • you hate seeing pictures of your self and hide whenever someone takes out a camera.
  • your sex dirve is in the gutter.
  • You never have any energy.

I like that each time I’ve read this list, my brain clicks off the items that I can relate to, which are little to none. I  like that I can say NO to all of these things.  Well, except for that last one.  I used to feel  exhausted all of the time, but that was a combination of working, anxiety, and fatigue working in a vicious, vicious loop.

  • I haven’t tried every diet because diets required a)money that I never ever have  b) money that I cannot imagine spending on dieting programs (when I have money, I am definitely spending it on things that are not diet plans….like drinks and nachos).  Also, I don’t stick to things well at all.  I like something for a long time and then, i’m over it.  Done.  Where are my nachos?  I also don’t do things that are a waste of money.  If the results aren’t long term, then I’m not that for it.
  • I lost 75lbs and didn’t gain it back right away.  I’ve maybe gained five pounds back (thanks Christmas…you were delicious).  It took me 3 years to do it and it only happened because I a)didn’t cook at the time  so my meals consisted of salads, fruit, sandwiches and yogurt b)I was sooooo stressed out that working out was the only thing that I could do to relieve it.  Seriously, I thought I was going to explode from the anxiety.  Cardio helped  me release that steam.
  • I don’t have a closet full of clothes I don’t fit and hope to one day fit because I live in a tiny apartment and my taste in clothes has only improved over the years.  I tend to purge every time we move and whenever I bring home something awesome.  When I brought home my wedding dress from restoration I donated 1/2 the clothes in my closet (I wasn’t wearing them anyway).
  • I hate seeing old pictures of myself whenever I have ridiculous hair in those pictures.
  • Sex drive…gutter…HUH?
  • I believe I’ve addressed the exhaustion.

I’m not perfect.  I still get a little body envious.  Living in Los Angeles, this close to the beach, and practicing yoga and ballet  gives a person a ton of opportunities to  indulge in that big of insanity.   I’m human.  I’m working towards my own version of perfect…a version that includes me being pretty perfect right now.

Anyway, I’ve been doing my reading for the last five months and am trying to apply yoga to my entire life, as in it will come together in time.  I can’t put a date on it or a time period or even a level of quality, but what needs to happen will happen in due time.  It may not even look the way that I want it to look, but when it happens it will be just what I need it to be.

Image: ‘Across the Chinese Countryside


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